Feeling Good and the Future

 Lately, I've been feeling good.

Good, as in not feeling like bursting into tears anytime I'm near a pregnant woman or newborn.
I'm actually a bit confused about being back to a more sane feeling emotional state.  But I'm not questioning it...I'm just going with it.

Maybe it's because I'm finally losing the weight I've been trying to lose for the past few years.  That makes me feel like I'm actually in control of an aspect of my life. (I just bought a pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller than the size I started from!)  Dealing with all this infertility business makes you feel like your life has spun totally out of control.

Or maybe it's because I'm watching Stewart finally get to go after his dream.  He starts art school this week and we are both pretty excited about it.  Actually having something to look forward to is really soothing both our hearts a bit I believe.

At the end of last summer, when our second IUI failed (we found out Stewart's brother and his wife were expecting. the same day.) and I decided I couldn't take any more Dr visits or meds,  I slowly but surely started feeling a little more sane.  I guess it has taken from then to now.  From time to time, I think about maybe looking into IVF or going back on fertility meds.  But it just seems that since TWO different Dr's could find nothing wrong, that surely one of these days we'll conceive on our own.

Being in that haze of going back and forth to the Dr, constantly having blood drawn, having ALL KINDS of ultrasounds, counting days, taking my temperature upon waking up every day, peeing on my ovulation test strip, injecting myself in the stomach, dealing with mood swings and PAINFUL cramps, trying to PAY for it all, just became way too much to handle.

I don't miss ANY of that stuff.

I'm still counting days and peeing on the ovulation strip, but I guess I'll always be doing that until we have a kid or we're too old to try.

So it feels good to be feeling like I can handle my emotions these days.  Don't get me wrong...I still have moments.  Lots of them.  I cried when Stewart told me it was good for him to see me enjoying baby Jack and playing with him and not shying away from that.  I'm still not to the point where I can hold a baby yet, but I bet I could if I just did it and didn't think about it.

I still have no plans to attend any baby shower.  But I think knowing my limits and what I can and can't handle and sticking with them is what allows me to manage my emotions.

But back to Stewart starting back to school.  It's something he's always wanted to do.
One of his closest friends and former roommates is a fantastic artist and used to work at the Commercial Appeal as their artist.  He also teaches different classes around town. He has encouraged Stewart to go to school for art for a long time.

Stewart drew this for his facebook page

We have been talking about trying to figure out how he could go to school for the past few years and finally, it just suddenly worked out.  Well, I know it was all God's timing.  But it's been pretty exciting to see it unfold and be right there by Stewart's side.

So I have to think that maybe this is a reason why we don't have a child yet.
I know my husband. And I know that he would (and has) put his family way ahead of himself.  If we already had a child or if I was pregnant now, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be as willing to try to think about quitting his job and starting school.  I also know it would be much tougher.

He and I have been talking about TTC.  So, here's our plan...we're planning on continuing to try.
If, at the end of art school (we're hoping in 3 years) we're not yet pregnant, we will probably seriously consider adoption.

In the meantime, I'm just happy to be in a much better emotional state about the whole situation.

I am so incredibly proud and excited for Stewart.  Getting to watch him achieve his dream and be his cheerleader is the absolute best thing.

Small Steps and Dealing With It

I offered to hold a baby Sunday.
It was actually a big deal for me. But I meant it.  It was during church and the mom wanted to get a doughnut and her baby was sleeping. And he was getting heavy.  I wanted her to get her doughnut.  She ended up not wanting to disturb the sleeping babe.  But I offered and I am pretty sure I would have been caught up in helping and cuteness. I have no idea how I would have felt later on, but in that moment I felt fine to hold a baby.

This is my daily life.

My hair is entirely too long, too thick and has too many split ends.  The reason?  My hair girl is a new mom.  I'm not sure I can sit in her chair and chit chat about babies and why haven't I had one yet.  But I'm becoming desperate.  My hair is a lion's mane and needs to be tamed.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and go.

I avoid lines at Kroger, Chick fil A, Target, Hobby Lobby, you name it if there is a baby or expecting mom.
I know I can't hide. This is life.  People get pregnant and have babies all the time.
Except for me. And that's hard to take some days.  So on those day, I hide.

Some days, I walk the other direction happy I don't have to deal with a screaming kid knowing at the same time that I would GLADLY deal.

I tell myself, "Man, Stewart and I have it good! We can sleep in, plan our own schedules, do what we want." But deep down I know it's all a lie.
Well, I love sleeping in. So that's not a lie.

I have a secret Pinterest board filled with the CUTEST nursery ideas.  Sometimes I go look at it and make plans and feel happy and hopeful. But most of the time, I just pass it by. Knowing it's there.

Most days, I'm forced to deal with it.  Like today at my school where I teach.  We have 2 VERY pregnant ladies both on my hallway.  I just walk away if possible and if not, I just try not to get involved in conversations.  Maybe this sounds selfish, but I know how much I can take. I try to take care of myself and not become depressed. It's a very slippery slope and can sneak up on me in a heartbeat.  So this is why I'm not planning on being involved in baby showers. I'm just trying to survive and keep my emotions on a steady keel.

So, please be patient with me.  If I seem mad, selfish or uncaring I'm just trying to make it through without my emotions completely taking control and demolishing me.

I don't walk around in a depressed haze. Today I was generally happy and had a pretty good day. But when anyone deals with things of this nature, it just becomes a part of you and it never truly goes away. You just figure out how to handle it better.

Part of my dealing with it is humor.
It's funny because it's true...

Stewart and I know we were meant to be together because we both have the same silly, goofy, quirky sense of humor.
The day I was crying in church over seeing Jack in person for the 1st time, he whispered to me that he would just draw us a baby.
And he would shade it real good.

Birthdays and Back to School

My birthday is in June.  Stewart and I always head over to mom's where we eat some good mom cooking, act silly and have fun.

That one candle sang the Happy Birthday song!
And that homemade cake was DE licious!

Stewart and I

Will, my little brother was born July 30 and my mom's day is August 2.

 So we always have a big time celebrating in the summer.  Mom and Will always come over to our house the weekend after their birthdays and Stewart fires up the grill, we eat, have birthday cake and ice cream, hang out and just have a fun time.  This year was no exception.

Mom and Will with their Birthday Goodies.

Will, Mom and I

Of course, kids always enter my mind.
I am always thinking how it needs to hurry up and happen so that mom can be a grandma.
My dad is already gone as well as both sets of grandparents.  Stewart's as well.
I really want any child that we may have to have a chance to know my mom and Stewart's parents.

It's pretty depressing when you think about it all.

And that's also why I get so angry when people tell me to stop thinking about it so hard and that it will happen when it happens and how I just need to not be so stressed out.

To which I ALWAYS scream inside my head, "I'm not a spring chicken here people! I really don't have that luxury!  Plus, I have to calculate for ovulation!!  So if I just don't think about how my kitchen is dirty and I don't stress about it, it will just magically become clean on its own?  If I don't stress about paying my bills, it will just happen?"

I read an article not too long ago about how dealing with infertility had the same emotional stress and impact as that of a cancer/chemotherapy patient.  (If I can ever find that article again, I'm posting in one of my blog entries)  You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to not worry and stress and it'll all go away would you?

BUT, I am still holding on to my Faith.


After all that birthday celebration with family(and the little rant above), it's time to get down to business. And that business is me being a 2nd grade teacher.

I am kicking and screaming that summer break is over.  It's a difficult time transitioning from summer brain to teacher brain.  I've been meeting myself coming and going the last couple of weeks.  Then there's the going to bed early and getting up early.  I am the definition of a night owl. So is Stewart. So when I say I stayed up late and slept in even later...I mean it.

My classroom is together(BIG thank you's to mom and Stewart!!), I've worked registration, spent an entire week of in-service, spent most of my alloted money at Knowledge Tree, planned lessons, figured out outfits, bought lunch goodies, and even bought a new lunch bag.
And now I'm about to go back for the 2nd full week with students.

This will be my 11th year of teaching and I ALWAYS get nervous the first day of school.  I can't figure it out. I feel pretty confident as my abilities as a teacher. Maybe it's just because you never really know what you'll face when you walk through those doors.  I always want to make a good impression. So say a little prayer for teachers everywhere as we start school and teach the children of our world.

I love those monkeys!

View of my classroom from my desk.
That projector thingy is a
SmartBoard and is VERY cool!

Morning Meeting Area

My classroom library

Speaking of going back to school...Stewart quit his job in June, started working on his art portfolio, received the best scholarship available based on 10 pieces, and got accepted into a great art program.

He has been unhappy at his job for some time now and it has always been his dream to do art for a living.  Specifically become an illustrator for a major comic book company like Marvel.  He is talented and committed to his dream.  I am extremely proud of him and cannot wait to see what the future holds for him.

A self portrait and one of my favs.