Grief and Healing

 Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good

This song has just been playing in my head lately and I've realized my emotions and attitude have been changing slowly but surely.  
My last post was back in April.  I think I was just tired.  Teacher tired at the end of the school year and worn out from all the emotions dealing with the whole infertility thing has caused.  
Actually, I think my feelings have been changing since way before April.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I think I've been changing for the past year.  

You know the 7 Stages of Grief?  I certainly went through these stages when we lost my Dad back in 2003.  

And with infertility, I've basically gone through the stages every month when I got a negative pregnancy test.  Yes. That's a lot of stages and emotions. And yes. I went through this every month.  It makes you crazy.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
   You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
   As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
   Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
   Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
   
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
   As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
   As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
   During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.  You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
   
   You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.                                                                                                                         (from: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html)

I think the past year I've been dealing with the end of depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and now acceptance and hope.  
It's like I can exhale now.  mostly.

How do I know? Well, because I don't feel angry, hateful, depressed, jealous anytime I see a baby, a pregnant lady, a mom with her kids in Target.  mostly.

I'm realizing that I'm feeling Hope. 
 And Happiness.  
And I'm feeling that there may be a way for us.  

My sadness, confusion, resentment, depression are fading into the shadows (they're still there but they're much more tame) and I feel like I can think about what the future may hold.

And it makes me smile.