Bravery and Birthday

Good grief Charlie Brown!  I have COMPLETELY abandoned my little blog.

Partly, because writing about my daily struggles got me to a much better place emotionally and it felt like writing again would just take me back to a not so good place.
Partly, because summer finally came and I have been a total lazy bum.
I'm not kidding.
I haven't done much of anything except lunch with friends, catch up on my DVR, scrapbook, play on facebook, pinterest and play Candy Crush!

But, I got inspired because a friend recently started a blog and posted her first entry.  She made me realize that when people can read about your struggles, they can pray.  And I believe that prayer changes things.

sooooo...I'm going to be brave and make mine public.  This is difficult for me.  I mean, does anyone really want to hear about my problems? Will anyone understand? Yes. I'm in my head about all of it so here goes anyway....

Also, this past week has been one of those crazy roller coaster of emotions week.

Sunday, Stewart and I went to his brother's church in Horn Lake where he is their awesome worship leader.  Stewart's mom and dad also came and we all went over to their house for lunch and visiting afterwards.
But before the visit, I had to make it through church.  Jason and his sweet wife Carrie had THE CUTEST, sweetest  baby 3 months ago. Jack.  Until Sunday, we had not gone to see him yet.  Partly because we live about an hour away, but mostly because I knew I would have a difficult time.
I don't want to have a difficult time.
I want to take myself out of the situation and be able to celebrate in their happiness. But I knew good and well, it would be hard.

I cried through the entire church service and was so embarrassed I could have died.
I didn't want to cry.
I didn't want anyone to see me cry because 1-they would ask me if I was ok and that would make me cry more and 2-I didn't want Carrie and Jason to feel bad in any way.
Every time I felt like I was drying up and getting it under control..here came the water works again.  Stewart kept whispering in my ear making little jokes which helped greatly. (in case you didn't know, he is the absolute best)

So, I made it through church and couldn't get out of there fast enough.
We got to his parent's house and I ran to the bathroom and somehow got myself under control.  Though my eyes were red and puffy, I was just glad I stopped the tears.  We ended up having a wonderful time eating, visiting and being silly.
Jack is so sweet and was so good during church. He didn't make a sound.
Carrie and Jason are such wonderful parents already and it was good for my soul to see them both in action.
At the same time, my soul was being strangled.  This infertility struggle is so strange. I feel happy and sad all at once.  I feel frustrated, confused, angry, jealous. You name it, I have felt it. And it's usually all at once...I mean, with such an overload all you can do IS cry I suppose.

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if we will ever have a baby of our own. But I do know that I have a wonderful family, awesome husband and that God is Good.

ALL the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm mad at Him a lot.  But He's already seen me through many other super tough times in my life to not continue to trust Him.
We may end up with a child of our own. We may not end up with a child of our own. But God is still God and what He has planned for us is for us and He is already in our future and it's all ok.

Monday I was in a terrible, dark place.  I got out of bed, stayed in my pj's and rooted myself to the couch.  I slept most of the day.  Stewart tried to get me to go outside and get some sunshine, but I couldn't move. Didn't want to.  I only cried quietly a few times. Mostly it was just staring and sitting very still.  I'm glad Monday is over.

Tuesday, Stewart announced he needed to work on some landscapes for his art portfolio (he's going to MCA in the fall) and that we, the dogs and his art supplies were going to the park.
A few years ago, we discovered this little park with a lake and wooded bike/hiking trails not too far from our house. I love going there.
This day, I really didn't want to make the effort, but it was for his art portfolio.

We arrived about 3 and didn't leave til 6.  We sat at a picnic table under a huge tree right next to the lake.  I walked the dogs around the lake, then sat down, let them explore and read my book.  There was a constant breeze and it kept us cool.  Stewart got 2 great landscape pictures and even did one of me reading my book.  The whole thing was like honey to my soul.

Wednesday was my birthday!  We went to see World War Z. (Brad Pitt and zombies...awesome!), ate at On the Border (YUM!) and got some cupcakes at GiGi's (double YUM!!)  Stewart made me this COOL, sweet card.  Have I mentioned he's the absolute best?  I love him.

Sweet!  This is the front.  Not only can he draw, he has a way with words.
Which are on the inside. And also private. ;)

Texas Milk Chocolate,Wedding Cake,
and Southern Comfort.
Also known as Birthday Coma.

I thought the chips looked like a great, big smile.
 They were also salty and delicious.

Thursday, I had lunch with my close friend, Carla.  She has been through infertility and all I have to do is say "I'm sad" and I know she understands because she's been through it. And more.
She and her husband went through 2 miscarriages, incomplete IVF and were even in the process of finding a surrogate when they unexpectedly got pregnant. Their Dr. even told them he was pretty sure they would never get pregnant on their own.  So take THAT medical science!
I can talk to her freely. I can cry, curse, complain. I can say all the things I would never say to anyone else, except Stewart.
She just smiles, nods, and encourages me.  She always helps me find that part of myself that still believes and helps to restore my faith.
Charlie, her 2 year old also joined us for lunch and called me Kewwie. Melt my heart.

Today is Friday and I was supposed to go shopping with my mom.  But between the crazy storms this morning and her outbreak of poison sumac on her face, we postponed.  (feet better mom. and DON'T SCRATCH!)
Stewart asked if I could do some poses for him today so he could get torso, arms, legs, hands, fingers, etc correct.  Don't get worked up...it's all totally G rated. :)

I've been thinking about the start of this week.  I've come a long way with my emotions baby. And I'm glad.