Love and Marriage

It's our anniversary!!!  5 years. It seems like we've known each other for much longer though. In a good way.  It was that way when we just first met...it just seemed like home.  Ok, well, maybe not on the first date, but you get the picture.

The day was actually Friday, September the 20th  but we celebrated Saturday.

I was so worn out from a long week of teaching then meetings all day Friday for in-service and Stewart had a long week of classes and assignments.
So last night, we grabbed something and brought it home and ate while lounging and cuddling on the couch.  It was quite nice.

We debated over where to go eat.
There are several great choices in Downtown Memphis, but alas, we are homebodies and decided to go to Bonefish Grill at the Avenue Carriage Crossing in Collierville. (HOLY CRAP!!! everything I just typed just ERASED!!!  As I was freaking out, Stewart yelled out "hit Control Z!" and it worked. I got it all back...whew...see we were just meant for each other. now back to the blog)

Saturday was one of our 1st cool fall days so we thought it would be nice to walk around after we finished eating since it's an outdoor mall.

So, we spent a lot of Saturday just doing our own little projects.  Stewart went upstairs in his studio (just one of our extra bedrooms we converted to his art studio) to work on a school assignment and I spread out all my school stuff on the big table downstairs to work on some classroom posters and watched Hunger Games at the same time. (I CAN'T WAIT to see Catching Fire! I'm about to read all 3 of them over before I do) I eventually did my daily treadmill thing, then got ready and off we went.

I think Bonefish Grill is becoming our anniversary spot.
Everything from the atmosphere, to the service, to the food is just SO dang good!
We ordered chips with fresh chivche for our appetizer and they brought bread.
For our main dishes, I ordered the Maryland Crab Cakes with fresh veggies and pumpkin ravoili.
Oh. My. Goodness. Every bit of it was marvelous.

Stewart ordered Rainbow Trout and chose the Pan Asian sauce.  He gave me a few bites and it was fantastic.  The next time we go, I'm ordering something off the fresh catch of the day just so I can get the Pan Asian sauce.

I asked our waitress to take our picture and told her it was our Anniversary...she brought us a complimentary brownie!  It was covered in raspberry sauce and was topped with whipped cream. It was so yummy and RICH!

After dinner, we walked around the mall.  The weather was just perfect.  We spent a good bit of time in Barnes and Noble, then went back out and just meandered around before settling on one of the park benches and just sat and talked.  It was wonderful.  That is the best non-mall mall.  It feels like you're in a small town and everybody is out for the evening.  They have music playing from speakers that look like rocks.  There's even a town like square that you have to drive around just like in a small town.  It did not feel like we were still in Memphis at all.

True to Kellie and Stewart form, once we got home, we promptly changed into our pj's, poured ourselves a glass of wine and settled in front of the PlayStation and killed zombies together.
It was a perfect Anniversary night!  :D

Life (Stress) of a Teacher and my Constant

It's that time of year again...where I meet myself coming and going, have several pens stuck in my hair and behind my ears, am a paper grading, lesson planning, paperwork completing, behavior managing, sight word teaching frenzied machine.

I feel just like this.....

....and this. All at the same time.

Plus, our school changed hours. Instead of 8:15-3:15, we are now 9:00-4:00.  I am trying, but I very much dislike this new time thank you very much.  In my opinion, that is way too late to be getting out of school.  We live about 30 minutes from my school, but with any kind of traffic, it usually takes me about 45 min to an hour. One way!  When fall and winter hit, it will be dark by the time I am halfway home.  yuck!

I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older, or the teaching profession is just getting way out of hand with its demands, but I am already frustrated, stressed, and feel overwhelmed. It's WAY too early in the year to feel that way but I do.
I think I may need some meds.
Or wine.
Yeah, wine sounds good.

With all my demands as a teacher, all my emotion about my infertility seem to be almost nonexistent. And that's weird.
It makes me feel ambivalent.
Sometimes I wonder if I really even want it.
Then I see someone's vacation pics of their family with young children with their whole family and that familiar heart ache returns.

Or, I'll see someone announcing their pregnancy on Facebook and I get pretty sad. But at least these days it seems I'm able to bounce back a little quicker and not slip into a 4 day depression.

When I go shopping with my mom and she stops to smile at someone else's cute baby in the stroller I want to cry because I want her to experience being a grandmother.
And she would be a fantastic one.
The best one in the world.
I want to give her that and I want to have a child who would get to love on my mom in return.
But for some reason I can't. At least not right now.

Which brings me to the fact that I wish I could just know.
I wish I could just know if Stewart and I will ever conceive.
If  I could just know if it's a yes or a no, I could plan accordingly.
If it's a yes, then I could wait impatiently for that time to come. And begin planning.
If it's a no, we could grieve, then begin to heal and start working toward adoption.
It's the DANG not knowing that is so unbelievably hard to take.

In the midst of my living, teaching, being tired, frustrated, excited to see students each morning, spending time with Stewart and the dogs, sometimes I get a text, or Facebook message.
I get messages from people I know who share their story of how the struggled with or are now struggling with infertility!

I'm ALWAYS amazed because most of the time I never knew. After sharing their struggles (and many times their HAPPY endings) they tell me thank you for writing this blog.
Many of them talk about how they were embarrassed or kept quiet about their struggles because it was so difficult to experience much less try to explain to anyone else.
I am humbled. To think that just my writing about how I feel as a way to cope has helped someone else....that's just kinda crazy.

But it's a wonderful reminder that I'm not alone here.  I'm sad that I'm not alone because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  But the knowing helps. And apparently I've helped others. And for that, I'm so grateful and amazed.

Which brings me to a friend I've known for quite some time.
He is not struggling with infertility, but with hearing loss.
I'm talking total and irreversible.  He woke up one morning a few years ago and it was just gone.
His Dr. can not determine any reason.  He can no longer hear and they don't know why.  He's been keeping me up to date lately because he's at the very beginning stages of getting a cochlear implant.
He is one of the silliest, funniest people I know. (Guess that's why we're friends.)
But he shared with me that he feels like his love of socializing and being around people is almost nonexistent because of his hearing loss.  I can only imagine.

He and I have been texting lately about our different struggles.   And even though our issues are world's apart...they really aren't.  Neither of us understand why, there is not really an explanation for either of us and both of us are hurting and struggling to live our lives in a normal manner.

Yeah, those are common threads, but our Faith is our Constant. (anyone who watched the tv series Lost a few years back will understand that reference).  In the midst of hurting and wanting to know why, we are able to listen to each other and pray for each other.

Sometimes life throws a crazy curve ball at us.  Most of us have been there.  I hear stories all the time about struggles of friends and their friends.  God never promised that life would be easy, but He does promise that He'll always be there to help us through. And right now my friend and I are doing just that.

So if you know someone going through anything at all...just pray for them. Then tell them from time to time that you're praying for them.  You never know, the very day you just happen to mention it may be the very day they needed it more than ever.