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| I feel just like this..... |
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| ....and this. All at the same time. |
Plus, our school changed hours. Instead of 8:15-3:15, we are now 9:00-4:00. I am trying, but I very much dislike this new time thank you very much. In my opinion, that is way too late to be getting out of school. We live about 30 minutes from my school, but with any kind of traffic, it usually takes me about 45 min to an hour. One way! When fall and winter hit, it will be dark by the time I am halfway home. yuck!
I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older, or the teaching profession is just getting way out of hand with its demands, but I am already frustrated, stressed, and feel overwhelmed. It's WAY too early in the year to feel that way but I do.
I think I may need some meds.
Or wine.
Yeah, wine sounds good.
With all my demands as a teacher, all my emotion about my infertility seem to be almost nonexistent. And that's weird.
It makes me feel ambivalent.
Sometimes I wonder if I really even want it.
Then I see someone's vacation pics of their family with young children with their whole family and that familiar heart ache returns.
Or, I'll see someone announcing their pregnancy on Facebook and I get pretty sad. But at least these days it seems I'm able to bounce back a little quicker and not slip into a 4 day depression.
When I go shopping with my mom and she stops to smile at someone else's cute baby in the stroller I want to cry because I want her to experience being a grandmother.
And she would be a fantastic one.
The best one in the world.
I want to give her that and I want to have a child who would get to love on my mom in return.
But for some reason I can't. At least not right now.
Which brings me to the fact that I wish I could just know.
I wish I could just know if Stewart and I will ever conceive.
If I could just know if it's a yes or a no, I could plan accordingly.
If it's a yes, then I could wait impatiently for that time to come. And begin planning.
If it's a no, we could grieve, then begin to heal and start working toward adoption.
It's the DANG not knowing that is so unbelievably hard to take.
In the midst of my living, teaching, being tired, frustrated, excited to see students each morning, spending time with Stewart and the dogs, sometimes I get a text, or Facebook message.
I get messages from people I know who share their story of how the struggled with or are now struggling with infertility!
I'm ALWAYS amazed because most of the time I never knew. After sharing their struggles (and many times their HAPPY endings) they tell me thank you for writing this blog.
Many of them talk about how they were embarrassed or kept quiet about their struggles because it was so difficult to experience much less try to explain to anyone else.
I am humbled. To think that just my writing about how I feel as a way to cope has helped someone else....that's just kinda crazy.
But it's a wonderful reminder that I'm not alone here. I'm sad that I'm not alone because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But the knowing helps. And apparently I've helped others. And for that, I'm so grateful and amazed.
Which brings me to a friend I've known for quite some time.
He is not struggling with infertility, but with hearing loss.
I'm talking total and irreversible. He woke up one morning a few years ago and it was just gone.
His Dr. can not determine any reason. He can no longer hear and they don't know why. He's been keeping me up to date lately because he's at the very beginning stages of getting a cochlear implant.
He is one of the silliest, funniest people I know. (Guess that's why we're friends.)
But he shared with me that he feels like his love of socializing and being around people is almost nonexistent because of his hearing loss. I can only imagine.
He and I have been texting lately about our different struggles. And even though our issues are world's apart...they really aren't. Neither of us understand why, there is not really an explanation for either of us and both of us are hurting and struggling to live our lives in a normal manner.
Yeah, those are common threads, but our Faith is our Constant. (anyone who watched the tv series Lost a few years back will understand that reference). In the midst of hurting and wanting to know why, we are able to listen to each other and pray for each other.
Sometimes life throws a crazy curve ball at us. Most of us have been there. I hear stories all the time about struggles of friends and their friends. God never promised that life would be easy, but He does promise that He'll always be there to help us through. And right now my friend and I are doing just that.
So if you know someone going through anything at all...just pray for them. Then tell them from time to time that you're praying for them. You never know, the very day you just happen to mention it may be the very day they needed it more than ever.
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