Grief and Healing

 Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good

This song has just been playing in my head lately and I've realized my emotions and attitude have been changing slowly but surely.  
My last post was back in April.  I think I was just tired.  Teacher tired at the end of the school year and worn out from all the emotions dealing with the whole infertility thing has caused.  
Actually, I think my feelings have been changing since way before April.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I think I've been changing for the past year.  

You know the 7 Stages of Grief?  I certainly went through these stages when we lost my Dad back in 2003.  

And with infertility, I've basically gone through the stages every month when I got a negative pregnancy test.  Yes. That's a lot of stages and emotions. And yes. I went through this every month.  It makes you crazy.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
   You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
   As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
   Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
   Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
   
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
   As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
   As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
   During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.  You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
   
   You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.                                                                                                                         (from: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html)

I think the past year I've been dealing with the end of depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and now acceptance and hope.  
It's like I can exhale now.  mostly.

How do I know? Well, because I don't feel angry, hateful, depressed, jealous anytime I see a baby, a pregnant lady, a mom with her kids in Target.  mostly.

I'm realizing that I'm feeling Hope. 
 And Happiness.  
And I'm feeling that there may be a way for us.  

My sadness, confusion, resentment, depression are fading into the shadows (they're still there but they're much more tame) and I feel like I can think about what the future may hold.

And it makes me smile.

Roast Beef and Tap Dancing

I thought I'd do a little update on Maude, the Wonder Dog.

She has made a complete turn-around.  She's still 15 years old and still has the heart valve issue and is still on about 3-4 medications (depending on what day it is in the month).  But she has gained back some weight.  She actually feels a little heavy and substantial and not frail when we pick her up!  She got down to about 8 pounds (yikes! scary!) and the last time I weighed her on our bathroom scale, she was 10.5.  Which is great!  Think she used to weigh around 15 or so.

RUNNING up the stairs.  Which is a very big deal since we were having to carry her up and down.  We still try to take her up and down some because of her arthritis.  She's very stubborn and will run from us if she doesn't feel like being carried.

She has been running around the yard, playing with us and Wyatt, barking when anyone walks in front of the house and is begging for treats like nobody's business!

Crunching on a Milk Bone

Getting love from Dad.

This is SO acurate for Maude and Wyatt...

When we started her on all her pills, we were having to get really creative with hiding them in treats and meals.  That is one smart little doggie!  I swear, she would actually turn up her nose and turn her head away anytime there was a hidden pill.
Then we discovered peanut butter.
We were desperate and just put it on our finger with the pill, held her and let her lick it all away.  Then she got wise to even that!

Then one day, Stewart was making himself a roast beef sandwich.  Kroger usually has their brand of lunch meat on sale 2 for $6 or 2 for $5.  And both Maude and Wyatt, of course, were standing there begging/waiting for scraps to fall.  So Stewart tossed a little morsel their way.
 Maude went crazy for it and started tap dancing like nothing I've ever seen.
So, now, the roast beef is our fail safe and always works to give her all those meds.  She's become a little junkie actually!  It's pretty hilarious.

Here it is...the doggie fountain of youth...the doggie elixir of life...ROAST BEEF!!!

We've also become accustomed to hearing some pretty pitiful whining in the early morning hours.  If she decided she wants or needs to go outside (get a treat), she will sit by the bed and make the most sad little noises you've ever heard.  She's also gotten quite bossy and demanding.  But I have to admit, we love it!  She can boss us around, work us for treats and demand to be taken outside all she wants. 

awww, brother and sister...but really, they're both lying in wait for each other to leave their toys for just a second so they can pounce and steal what the other has.

We are so happy she's doing so well and that we get to keep her for just a little while longer.

hee lar i ous!  (yet informative) you have no idea just how true this is!

Scabs and Rainy Days

Have you ever had an old injury that always kinda hurts when it rains or there is bad weather?  Or had a wound almost heal and somehow knock the scab off?  Going to birthday parties (specifically 1st birthday parties) are kind of like that for someone dealing with infertility.

It's fairly painful and generally not that much fun for us.  From the time we get the invitation to the time we leave the party, we deal with a lot of up and down emotions and stress.

I've written in the past about how I just don't attend baby showers anymore, and the same goes for parties.  But when it's your family, you just need to go to those.  We don't want to alienate ourselves.  We just figure out strategies for ourselves and just say we're going to spend time with family instead of focus on the fact that's it's a 1st birthday party.

I worry about everything.  I stress about having to buy a gift and whether I dare venture into the baby section in Target.  I worry that as I'm attempting to select a gift, I'll begin crying and have to run out.  So I just avoid this altogether and just get a card and a gift card.

I worry that at the party, someone will ask me if we have kids. Or ask why. Or joke around and say stuff like, "Ya'll are next!" "Ya'll would be such great parents!"  Things like this just shakes our world up (and not in a good way) even though it's not meant to.
I worry about how I'll respond.  I worry I'll totally lose it and say something I'll regret.  I worry that someone will force me to hold a baby.  I worry that I'll walk in and burst into tears.  I worry that I will go home and be depressed for a week.

Then there are the realities.  The smash cake and excitement surrounding that.  Laughing at all the frosting he got everywhere and how cute it is.  Then the brick wall that slams into me when I realize it's looking like I may never have that moment.  Admiring the cute decorations, the mom opening the presents, joining in halfway, then making a quick exit to the bathroom to get yourself back on an even keel because you started to tear up.

We try our best to enjoy.  Like the moment in the backyard when Stewart was on a swing and a cute little toddler walked up to him wanting to swing with him.  Stewart gave me that deer in headlights look and I just smiled at him.  We  both wanted him to pick up the kid and swing.  And that's exactly what he did.  It was fun and cute and we enjoyed the moment.  But on the ride home, I cried a little as Stewart said how great that felt and we both wish it was our own kid.

As we drove and talked about everything that we saw and experienced, we realized we survived.  Not only did we survive, we actually enjoyed little moments here and there.  Apparently, it's all about small steps.  It's also knowing how much to allow yourself to be involved in.  It's also about learning to enjoy good moments when they come but also to talk to one another about the parts that hurt and were tough.

We realized we survived a little rainstorm. And although we didn't necessarily dance in the rain, we held each others hand and got through it together. 

Infertility has left some scars on us that will probably never truly go away.  So, we bandage each other up and keep on going.....


 Here is a great little post from the blog of the Reproductive Medicine Associates of Philadelphia.
 http://www.rmaspecialists.com/2014/03/infertility-is-like-the-weather/

Infertility Is Like the Weather

 Pamela Madsen, The Fertility Advocate (Guest Blogger for RMA Philadelphia)

One of my favorite quotes of all time, by Pema Chodron, is this:

“You are the sky; everything else—it’s just the weather.”

It is easy to apply this thinking to infertility. You are the sky; the rest is infertility!!
I love this quote in the context of infertility because it embodies the notion that we are not what happens to us.  We are not the tragedies, or the obstacles, or the challenges that we face each and every day.   We are separate from all of that.  Just like we are separate from our infertility.

It is ironic that infertility can be as wild as the weather, and as changeable.
One day we can have calm sunny skies and the next day it can be like high winds, with trees crashing around us. We can feel like our very homes are lifting from the grounds and being tossed about. Oh yes, weather can be the perfect metaphor for infertility.

The thing about Pema’s quote is that we need to remember that no matter what the weather is doing, we are the sky. The weather may change around us but we are always here doing our thing in the orbit. We are solid. The weather changes and the storms roll in and out. The sky is resilient—it will still be there when the weather passes.

We can’t really control the weather. Sometimes we can’t even predict it. All we can do is do our best to be prepared for it.

But what if we just allowed ourselves to be in it and then let it pass? You know, just like the sky does?

What if we allowed ourselves to stand in the rain and get wet? Or really enjoy the sunny day?

I think that we spend a lot of time in infertility treatment fighting our feelings and sometimes even the treatment. We can get stuck in sadness and doubt. And we can also pretend that we feel fine! Nothing is wrong. We’re not sad! I am wondering about us practicing to stand in the rain or the sunshine and allowing ourselves to remember that we are the sku and everything else is just the weather.

Feel the weather. And then notice that the weather passes and changes all the time.

It  really is just like infertility treatment . Good news happens. Feel it. Disappointment happens. Acknowledge it and allow yourself to grieve. Then be like the earth and allow yourself to release it and move on because new weather is always on the horizon.

Inches and Centimeters

2nd graders love to measure!  I don't know what it is, but every year when I introduce the rulers and they realize they get to handle their very own tool, they go crazy.  We measure everything. I mean everything!  It's fun for me as the teacher as well.  I love seeing their eyes light up when I hand them their rulers.  I like showing them that it has two sides, inches and centimeters.  It's like I told them it's Harry Potter's wand.

 

 One of the first things we did was to just talk about measuring things.  I found a pack of measurement posters on teachers pay teachers for $4.00  Here's the link
http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Elementary-Measurement-Posters-15-MathScience-PostersHandouts-161647

I put one of the posters up on the SmartBoard and had students copy it into their Math journals.  It was a really good jumping off point and started some good conversation.  We got out the paperclips and measured everything they could think of!

Then we completed this fun little activity in our Math Journals.  They had to use the stripes in the tool box to measure each object.  One was teddy bears the other was paper clips.  This was a great activity to get them ready for inches and centimeters.

I got this from TPT, but can't find the link.  Think it was free though.

(found the link!  here it is:  http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Interactive-Math-Foldable-for-First-Grade-865048)

Of course, I have to use books.  I love this author/illustrator:  Brian P. Cleary.  I have his whole set of Grammar books. My fav title is "To Root, To Toot, To Parachute. What is a Verb?"  This is my first Math book of his and I plan on owning all of them.

Check out his website:  http://www.brianpcleary.com/

This book is excellent.  It tells the history of measuring and is beautifully illustrated by Steven Kellog (another of my fav illustrators).

Millions to Measure included this HUGE fold out page of how long a rattlesnake is.  My 2nd graders were super impressed.





Another measurement activity we worked on was a Measurement Garden.  It is part of a pack I bought on TPT. http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/I-Can-Measure-using-inches-and-centimeters-238504

First, they color their flowers, then put them in order from smallest to largest then glue them on construction paper.

Then they measure each flower in inches and centimeters and write it above the flower.

They loved coloring but they really loved measuring.  They were concentrating to hard to make sure they got each measurement correct.

All in all, I feel pretty confident that my 2nd graders are sufficiently learning the concept of measuring and how to do it correctly,

Blown Fuses and Timing

I would be such a great mom.
Stewart would be such a fantastic dad.
Maude and Wyatt can testify to this.  But I can't seem to teach them to read, or say "please and thank you" or "yes mam'm or no sir". 

We often feel left out of life a bit.  It sometimes becomes difficult to be around friends/peers with kids simply because we aren't in that club yet.  It's so much easier to be around people going through the same things you are no matter what that is.  Girlfriends of mine have left me behind in this area and are experiencing motherhood and growing their family.
Stewart and I don't begrudge them, but it just creates a divide sometimes.
I don't mean to complain.  These are just the facts of our life.

Adoption.  This is the word floating around in my mind lately.  Then the word Money pops up.  Then the word Timing.  Then Trust.  Then I sigh and just say a quick prayer about letting it go and the time will come when it's right.  But then I think about adoption again.

It's a difficult process to work through.  At first, I was angry.  I shouldn't have to consider adoption. I should be getting pregnant.

It's not fair as I stomp my feet and yell into the air.
Especially the day I was looking around on the internet at a few agencies and what they require.

Stewart kept telling me to stay off the websites because my emotions weren't there yet.  But I insisted I was fine.  I soon realized I wasn't.
 As soon as I came across a few agencies that require you to provide medical records on any pets in your house I blew a fuse!

We are constantly bombarded by crazy news stories about parents doing horrible things to their babies and kids.  And we have to provide every last, little detail of our lives just to be considered?!
Oh boy...I had to take a step back. Several steps actually.

I was super angry, actually livid.  I didn't want to adopt. I wanted my own, biological child.  There were so many what's, if's and but's racing around my mind when it came to adoption.  I decided it was NOT for me.

But then, I started seeing this verse. Everywhere. On Pinterest. On Facebook. In weird places. Driving down the road, in store windows.

Talk about thought provoking!

Then there's this one.

A different version of  Ephesians 1

It got me to thinking.  Jesus adopted us.  Stewart and I sort of adopted each other.  We adopted Maude, then Wyatt...so really, we're all vagabonds and our child really should be too.  It's also pretty cool to think about how God may have a child out there now or waiting to be born that is meant just for us...When I start thinking about it, I get pretty excited. So I guess I'm warming up to the whole idea of adoption.

But it feels like we're a long way off from the actual process. With Stewart in art school, we are just kind of scraping by.  There are financial options, but we need to be smart about things. 

I really like this one...

Maude

Let me preface this by saying, when you don't have kids, you blog about your dogs. Which are your furry kids!! (and take and post lots of pictures. So if you don't want to see a bunch of pictures of a CUTE dog, stop reading NOW)

I love Maude!

We went to Overton Bark last Spring with some friends and their 2 dogs.
Maude had a ball!

I have had a lot of dogs in my life, but I must say, she is by far the sweetest and cutest of them all.
Stewart got her when she was a puppy.  I've seen pictures and she was the tiniest little thing.

I kinda stole her from him when we started dating in 2005.  Maude and I girl bonded.

One of the 1st pictures we took as we began dating.  
With Maude in the middle of course!
Wolf River 2006

But before the stealing and bonding, Maude was our chaperone and made sure I knew she was there first.

Maude was a hoarder in her younger days!

Once, at the beginning of our relationship, Stewart and I were at his townhouse watching a movie, Maude jumped up in between us, looked at Stewart, then me for more than a few minutes and put her paw on Stewart's leg never taking her eyes off of me!  It was like she was saying, "Ok lady, I guess I'll allow you to come around, but you just need to know who runs things here."
I agreed to her terms and we've been a little family ever since.

I also love to tell (and somewhat embellish) the story of how Maude growled, barked at and tried to bite other girls Stewart dated.
But not me!!  In fact, once as I pulled up to his midtown townhouse, they were outside on the opposite of the courtyard and when she saw me, she took off running and jumped into my arms!  I knew I was in!

We just HAD to get some pictures with her during our engagement session.

Christmas 2012

Dogs are just so wonderful and Maude is no exception.  Actually she's above exception.  She has always been sensitive to moods.  Anytime I've been sad, she senses it.  Suddenly, she'll appear from whatever hidey hole at home she's been sleeping in, jump up in my lap and just snuggle. She has been especially sensitive as Stewart and I are going through our infertility journey and is always there to love on us.

Working us for treats with
their best "cute" faces

Maude and Wyatt. Partners in crime.

Dogs in sombreros

Everyone who meets Maude immediately falls under her spell and is in love.

Will, my baby brother, loves Maude.

She's very small for a Boston.  The story I heard was that she was the runt of the litter.  She's just a petite little girl, but has a great, big attitude and personality.  But don't let her sweetness and cuteness fool you...she is hardheaded, very independent,  a little spoiled (one of her nicknames is "The Sultan") and usually gets her way.

Maude relaxing on "HER" bed.

She loves to roll around and scratch her back in the grass. 

Maude relaxing while we're watching tv.

But she's the most obedient dog I've ever met.  I just about think she'd let her bladder burst before she did #1 (or 2) in the house.

She's also a girl who loves her cheese and treats.  You better be careful when you extend your hand giving her one...she's like a shark jumping out of the water!  CHOMP! BITE!

Maude and Wyatt on the Roaring Forks Motor Trail
Gatlinburg, TN 2012

Maude on the Gatlinburg Trail Summer 2012

She also loves her pillows. Rather humping those pillows!!  Sometimes, we have to hide certain ones. I'm talking, she will WEAR her little self out!  Gracious.

Maude loves to ride around.  She doesn't care where as long as she can get in your lap and look out the window.

A trip to the Olive Branch park

Maude just LOVES getting out and about.  Especially at parks!

Maude after we left the Germantown dog park one day in May.

She's our little girl. Our little fur baby.

Maude is also 15 years old.  She's getting SO white. Especially around her little ears.  Her pretty eyes are cloudy and she has trouble seeing in dim and very bright light.  She's been running into things lately and sometimes runs right by us when we're calling her.  She has arthritis and joint issues.  She also has a heart mummer.  Maude is not young anymore.

I love doing doggie photo shoots and this was in our backyard last spring.

In September, Stewart and I were getting all dressed up to go out to eat for our anniversary.  He let Maude and Wyatt out just as were about to leave.  Suddenly, we both heard this terrible, sorrowful crying and we just looked at each other.  I said, "That's Maude!" I've never seen Stewart move so fast.  He ran outside to her, slipped in the grass (doodoo actually! haha) in his hurry to get to her in his nice khakis.  She was lying on her side and was just heaving.  Her eyes were wild and she was crying out.  She didn't know were there with her.  After a few minutes, she seemed to come back around and we just sat there in the grass and petted and talked softly to her.  Stewart picked her up and took her inside.  After a few more minutes, she perked up and was ready for a treat.  We waited a bit and watched her and finally decided she was ok and left for dinner.  We talked about it on our way to eat and just decided her arthritis just got the best of her and she got disoriented in the bright sun and got scared and called for us.

She's a great little poser.

In the following months, she had a few more episodes.  In the past few weeks they seem to have gotten worse.  And one day about two weeks ago, she jumped off of our bed.  (which is kind of high) One of her back legs gave out on her and she fell and seemed to hurt herself.  Stewart said she went into a pretty bad "episode"and just wasn't herself for a few days.  We took her to the vet at that point where we found out her heart murmur has caused DVD (degenerative valve disease). She is now on 2 medications. One of which is for high blood pressure.  Our vet said she may very well been having cardiac episodes.  At first we thought it was seizures, but her little heart valve is just wearing out, fluid builds up and makes things tough for her.

The past few weeks have been  pretty rough for us.  We just haven't been seeing her sweet little personality and we know she's having a rough time. Neither of us have said it but we both are thinking, "Is this it for our sweet Maude?"  As this past week went on, we could tell she was still uncomfortable and still having difficulty, but seemed to begin perking up a little more.  She seemed to be reacting to all her meds fairly well.

We had another vet appointment on Friday, January 31.  We told the vet we felt like most of her problem was her legs.  He watched her walk around (quite well in fact, thank you very much!) and said it was her arthritis and bad knees.  He said corrective surgery would help but that she was so old she wouldn't survive.  He did an EKG on her and took her blood pressure.  He had to use a cat cuff and even it was too big for her petite self and he couldn't get a good enough reading.  But everything looked good and he gave us stronger arthritis medication.
We take her back for another checkup in a month.

From another backyard doggie photo shoot.

So now, we're just trying to love on her and prolong her sweet little life for as long as we can.  We can definitely tell that one of her medications especially is really helping her.  She doesn't dance for treats and run around like a cat with the night crazies anymore.  The vet said to try to keep her stress free and not to let her get too excited.  So we carry her up and down the stairs and pick her up to put her on the bed.  She is still independent and still runs up the stairs and jumps on and off furniture, but she's also realizing it hurts too much and will stand and wait on us to pick her up.

Maybe you're reading this and you're thinking..."good grief!  all this for just a dog."  But she's a family member and has shown us nothing but unconditional love.  She is a blessing to us and we see her as a Gift from God.  As I believe all dogs are.  It's our job to take care of these sweet, loving animals who are a reflection of God's pure love for us.

One my favorites.
Christmas 2010

After this picture, she promptly tore that lei to shreds.

A few winters ago when Memphis actually got snow and ice.  We have the perfect hill in our backyard for sledding.

The same winter.  She hated the snow but loved looking out of our bedroom window and barking her head off!

Stewart and I are going to be unbelievably sad when her day comes.  It is going to be incredibly sad and tough for us.  I am praying we will both be home so that we can both be holding her, talking to her and helping her to not be afraid.  I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this now.

All dogs go to heaven.