But the promise of summer within reach and a few new outfits I haven't worn to school yet are what's motivating me to get up and get going with my day lately.
As far as my emotions, today was a good day. Last week...not so good. It seems this infertility thing is not only an emotional roller coaster, but a scrambler (I may be showing my age on this one...ya'll do know which ride was the scrambler...right?), a soaking wet log ride and not-so-fun house rolled all into one. Last week was rough. There are 2 pregnant teachers at my school. One is on the far side of the building from me and the other is right next door to me. Please. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. I happen to know that both of them have struggled, but that still doesn't do much for my emotions on a low day.
This brings us to the dreaded baby shower. I'm at a point that unless it's my very best friend in the whole, wide world, I just can't attend. It's such a celebration and a time of excitement...but also such a huge reminder of my negative pregnancy test EVERY month.
They remind me that I could have had a 2 year old by now. It makes me feel that life is passing me by, that my chance may be slipping away. Or already has.
Then there are the questions. "So I guess you and Stewart will be next." "Are ya'll still trying?" "When are you going to start a family?" Then comes the advice. "Oh, just stop thinking about it." "Ya'll are just trying too hard." "Have ya'll tried.....(insert pretty much anything here). I know that most people are just concerned. Much of it is just polite conversation. (or so they think)
It's kind of like when someone dies...no one really knows what to say, but they're concerned, so they just say what they think is alright. But to me, right now (I may be able to deal better in a week or so), I just can't take it. I feel like my soul is being chipped away each month. I feel like time is running out.
Sometimes I feel guilty when we're just too tired, physically and emotionally, to really try that month.
So, I avoid baby showers like the plague. I've actually been pretty stressed out about what I'm going to do when it's time to plan my co worker's shower. We have already spent so much money on fertility Dr's and procedures and are still spending money on the "good" ovulation/pregnancy tests that I have to admit, I really don't want to spend a dime on someone else's shower.
Last week, I accidentally got involved in a playground discussion about the planning and I just kind of zoned out. But what I've decided is to offer to just give money to help pay for the food and decorations. At this point, I'm too emotionally spent to be physically involved. And I think that's ok.
Now...on to the Beyonce portion of this long post.
I HAVE to find things to occupy my mind other than trying to have a baby. Otherwise I'd really go insane.
One of those things is exercising after school with a lively bunch of 3rd grade teachers. We started at the beginning of the school with Zumba and TurboJam. Today we did a Jillian Michaels DVD. I told them I was scared, but then I was able to do most everything. At my own pace that is.
But let me tell you, we are a crazy, silly, funny bunch. One of the ladies has lost over 100 pounds and she is now slim and trim! Talk about encouragement.
After Jillian, we got our our mats, turned on Pandora to an exercise station and made up our own ab routine. We each led our own exercise. At one point "I'm Sexy and I Know It" came on and we started yelling the "I WORK OUT!!!" part. Then when they said, "Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle" we put our feet and hands in the air and did just that! It was pretty hilarious.
We found the Beyonce workout video and that has been our grand finale lately. Here it is. I guess my point in all of this is. Infertility sucks. But life is still good and it helps to have friends, to laugh and dance my way through it.
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