Feeling Good and the Future

 Lately, I've been feeling good.

Good, as in not feeling like bursting into tears anytime I'm near a pregnant woman or newborn.
I'm actually a bit confused about being back to a more sane feeling emotional state.  But I'm not questioning it...I'm just going with it.

Maybe it's because I'm finally losing the weight I've been trying to lose for the past few years.  That makes me feel like I'm actually in control of an aspect of my life. (I just bought a pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller than the size I started from!)  Dealing with all this infertility business makes you feel like your life has spun totally out of control.

Or maybe it's because I'm watching Stewart finally get to go after his dream.  He starts art school this week and we are both pretty excited about it.  Actually having something to look forward to is really soothing both our hearts a bit I believe.

At the end of last summer, when our second IUI failed (we found out Stewart's brother and his wife were expecting. the same day.) and I decided I couldn't take any more Dr visits or meds,  I slowly but surely started feeling a little more sane.  I guess it has taken from then to now.  From time to time, I think about maybe looking into IVF or going back on fertility meds.  But it just seems that since TWO different Dr's could find nothing wrong, that surely one of these days we'll conceive on our own.

Being in that haze of going back and forth to the Dr, constantly having blood drawn, having ALL KINDS of ultrasounds, counting days, taking my temperature upon waking up every day, peeing on my ovulation test strip, injecting myself in the stomach, dealing with mood swings and PAINFUL cramps, trying to PAY for it all, just became way too much to handle.

I don't miss ANY of that stuff.

I'm still counting days and peeing on the ovulation strip, but I guess I'll always be doing that until we have a kid or we're too old to try.

So it feels good to be feeling like I can handle my emotions these days.  Don't get me wrong...I still have moments.  Lots of them.  I cried when Stewart told me it was good for him to see me enjoying baby Jack and playing with him and not shying away from that.  I'm still not to the point where I can hold a baby yet, but I bet I could if I just did it and didn't think about it.

I still have no plans to attend any baby shower.  But I think knowing my limits and what I can and can't handle and sticking with them is what allows me to manage my emotions.

But back to Stewart starting back to school.  It's something he's always wanted to do.
One of his closest friends and former roommates is a fantastic artist and used to work at the Commercial Appeal as their artist.  He also teaches different classes around town. He has encouraged Stewart to go to school for art for a long time.

Stewart drew this for his facebook page

We have been talking about trying to figure out how he could go to school for the past few years and finally, it just suddenly worked out.  Well, I know it was all God's timing.  But it's been pretty exciting to see it unfold and be right there by Stewart's side.

So I have to think that maybe this is a reason why we don't have a child yet.
I know my husband. And I know that he would (and has) put his family way ahead of himself.  If we already had a child or if I was pregnant now, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be as willing to try to think about quitting his job and starting school.  I also know it would be much tougher.

He and I have been talking about TTC.  So, here's our plan...we're planning on continuing to try.
If, at the end of art school (we're hoping in 3 years) we're not yet pregnant, we will probably seriously consider adoption.

In the meantime, I'm just happy to be in a much better emotional state about the whole situation.

I am so incredibly proud and excited for Stewart.  Getting to watch him achieve his dream and be his cheerleader is the absolute best thing.