Loss and Love

Ten years ago tonight, my dad unexpectedly died and went to Heaven.

Wow.  Ten years.  It doesn't seem possible.

It's still strange.  He was here. He lived. Now he's gone.  Sometimes it just rattles my head too much and I have to think about something else.

He was young.  Just 57.  He and my mom had just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary on December 12.  When we came back to my mom's house from the hospital that night, the beautiful bouquet of flowers he had sent her at school was still on the table.  The card simply said, "I will love you forever".

I miss him a lot these days.  We butted heads when I was younger and often had a rough relationship.  As he realized I was actually a young woman out on my own I think he started to understand me a little better. We were both making better efforts. But I ALWAYS knew he loved me. Maybe sometimes it was a bit suffocating, but now I'm so glad.  I also realize that the butting of heads was because we were EXACTLY alike.  Hardheaded, independent, and determined WE were right and everyone else was wrong!  :)

I hate he is missing so much. My marriage, meeting Stewart, buying our house, playing with Maude and Wyatt, growing old with my mom and aggravating those he loved.  I hate he missed the Johnny Cash movie, Walk the Line, a few years back.  I hate he's missing deer season.  But then there are things I'm glad he never had to see or deal with.

My little brother Will walked me down the aisle.  This tiny picture frame was so special on that day.

I have no idea how he would react or how he would feel about my infertility.
But I DO know his legacy has helped me deal with it.
His Faith and love for the Lord was important to him and he wasn't afraid to tell anyone about it.
Growing up in what I call the "Baptist Bubble", I watched he and my mom make commitments to God and our church and our upbringing that simply cannot be denied.  It was real and he was serious about it.  My dad was far from perfect but he accepted the Forgiveness that was offered and tried his best to live out his life in that manner.

So because of that, I have my own Faith, Forgiveness and Grace.  And because of that, I am able to attempt to live my life in the same fashion.  Because of God, I am able to live with infertility. I give it to Him (most days) and try my best to leave it there and just trust and have faith.

Dad taught me many things. I learned to drive in a horse pasture in a baby blue beat up Ford truck. He taught me to drive defensively in this crazy Memphis traffic (and I am forever thankful). He taught me to read people.  His sense about people was uncanny.  He taught me to laugh at a lot of inappropriate things and to be silly.  He taught me about dogs and horses.  He even taught me about deer hunting and I went out in the woods and climbed into a deer stand him a few times.  But it just didn't take.  I'm NOT a morning person and I can't stand the cold.  He taught me how to stand up for myself, to be independent...but above all of this, he taught me to love.  My family and God.

One of our many trail rides.

May 2003. My college graduation.