Small Steps and Dealing With It

I offered to hold a baby Sunday.
It was actually a big deal for me. But I meant it.  It was during church and the mom wanted to get a doughnut and her baby was sleeping. And he was getting heavy.  I wanted her to get her doughnut.  She ended up not wanting to disturb the sleeping babe.  But I offered and I am pretty sure I would have been caught up in helping and cuteness. I have no idea how I would have felt later on, but in that moment I felt fine to hold a baby.

This is my daily life.

My hair is entirely too long, too thick and has too many split ends.  The reason?  My hair girl is a new mom.  I'm not sure I can sit in her chair and chit chat about babies and why haven't I had one yet.  But I'm becoming desperate.  My hair is a lion's mane and needs to be tamed.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and go.

I avoid lines at Kroger, Chick fil A, Target, Hobby Lobby, you name it if there is a baby or expecting mom.
I know I can't hide. This is life.  People get pregnant and have babies all the time.
Except for me. And that's hard to take some days.  So on those day, I hide.

Some days, I walk the other direction happy I don't have to deal with a screaming kid knowing at the same time that I would GLADLY deal.

I tell myself, "Man, Stewart and I have it good! We can sleep in, plan our own schedules, do what we want." But deep down I know it's all a lie.
Well, I love sleeping in. So that's not a lie.

I have a secret Pinterest board filled with the CUTEST nursery ideas.  Sometimes I go look at it and make plans and feel happy and hopeful. But most of the time, I just pass it by. Knowing it's there.

Most days, I'm forced to deal with it.  Like today at my school where I teach.  We have 2 VERY pregnant ladies both on my hallway.  I just walk away if possible and if not, I just try not to get involved in conversations.  Maybe this sounds selfish, but I know how much I can take. I try to take care of myself and not become depressed. It's a very slippery slope and can sneak up on me in a heartbeat.  So this is why I'm not planning on being involved in baby showers. I'm just trying to survive and keep my emotions on a steady keel.

So, please be patient with me.  If I seem mad, selfish or uncaring I'm just trying to make it through without my emotions completely taking control and demolishing me.

I don't walk around in a depressed haze. Today I was generally happy and had a pretty good day. But when anyone deals with things of this nature, it just becomes a part of you and it never truly goes away. You just figure out how to handle it better.

Part of my dealing with it is humor.
It's funny because it's true...

Stewart and I know we were meant to be together because we both have the same silly, goofy, quirky sense of humor.
The day I was crying in church over seeing Jack in person for the 1st time, he whispered to me that he would just draw us a baby.
And he would shade it real good.