Life happens. Stress happens.
Stewart is about to finish his first semester of art school and has been working like a mad artist on a mission. He has made wire sculptures, painted and put together shapes to make a wood sculpture, cut wood in the school wood shop, and sketched and drawn his heart out. I have accompanied him on numerous trips to Lowe's to buy all kinds of materials for all these school projects.
Next on the list is that he has to make a glider out of his chosen materials. It cannot be a copy of another design and has to fly in a straight line off a balcony for a certain distance.
He has been busy.
So have I.
Being a teacher these days is not at all what I signed up for 11 years ago. It's political, stressful, ridiculous and sad. I actually took Monday off so that I can prepare for my 1st evaluation coming up on Thursday.
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| This frog made me laugh. I need to be more like this frog. |
In order to help us out with funds, I started tutoring on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4:30-6:30.
It's actually not bad. One of the best things is that traffic is usually pretty clear and I can jet on home in about 30 minutes instead of the usual 45 minutes-1 hour snail's pace. Plus, I feel I'm able to help some of our 2nd graders become better readers and build a stronger foundation in Math.
Right now, it's about 9:00 on Saturday night.
Earlier, we met our friends Chris and Carla and their 2 year old Charlie for dinner.
There is a GREAT pizza place around the corner. It was good to meet up, catch up and eat up for a bit.
Now, I'm catching up on my DVR shows while blogging. Stewart is in his art room working on all his art stuff.
I LOVE our weekends. I wish we were independently wealthy and could just stay at home. All the time.
I guess another reason it's been so long since I've posted is that my feelings and emotions have and are changing about infertility and trying to start a family. I'm still not sure how I feel...
But with Stewart in school and not having found a part time job yet, we are scraping by.
Don't get me wrong. I believe with all my heart Stewart is where he's supposed to be and doing exactly what he should. I'm so proud of him and we both know all the struggling will pay off one day soon.
But it also makes me glad I'm not pregnant or that we have a baby or small child right now.
I just feel like while Stewart is in school and we are surviving on just my income, now is not a good time to get preggers.
I know, I know, if it happens, it will be a wonderful thing and I know the Lord will take of us. I also think He wants us to use our brain and be smart about things.
Stewart and I have discussed it all..as we do often, and have both agreed that if we're not pregnant by the time he's finished with school, we will probably be interested in looking into adoption.
But I'm not even sure I want to do that.
I'm beginning to wonder if we're too old.
For a while, I was really woried about what people would think, but now I think I'm over that.
I'm starting to get to point in my life that I am beginning to to really not care what people think. Mostly.
Now I'm just wondering if I'll just be too tired. There are a lot of positives in living child free. And Stewart and I love sleeping in.
Of course, now that the holidays are here, it brings up the hurt of not having a child or even the real hope of providing fun and magic for them during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Even though my emotions are in check lately, it's still painful seeing others post their pictures of their kids doing all the holiday things and seeing fall and winter family pictures.
I wonder from time time why Stewart and I didn't meet earlier.
He always says it's because neither of us were ready. Or he'll say I wouldn't have liked him them. Who knows.
I DO wish we had met sooner. That we had been given more time to try for a child.
That we would have been able to discover we were infertile at an earlier age.
But we didn't meet when we were younger. We met when we were in our mid-30's.
Already past prime baby making/having time.
Every time I start going down this thought path, I always come back around to my Faith. I know there is a reason for everything. There is a reason why Stewart and I didn't meet sooner. There is a reason why it's still just us and our sweet doggies.
And for me, that makes sense. If I'm going to say I'm a Christian and believe in God. I have to accept it all. And that acceptance just starts to become natural.
I DON'T understand a lot of things that do or don't happen. But I trust in my Savior and I KNOW that He has good things for me.
Also, life is just too short to go around depressed, trying to make something happen that just is not happening.
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