Wishin' and Hopin'

Be forewarned. This is a bit of a rant. This is an unapologetic, somewhat raw, honest account of my feelings from my experiences today.  And not just today, but my feelings about this whole thing in general.

I haven't written in a while because, well, I just haven't felt the need, urge, or that I had anything super important to say.

That's not to say that nothing has been happening in my life.  There has been plenty. School is very stressful and our sweet Maudie left us in November.  But I've been too tired and stressed about school and I'm just not ready to write about Maude.
I'm otherwise generally happy.  I have an awesome, creative husband who keeps me laughing.  He even does the cleaning.  I do the cooking.  It's an arrangement that has worked out nicely.
Even though we miss our little Maudie

The thing that's prompted me to write tonight is infertility again.  Sometimes, I think that if I had a terminal disease or illness, it would be easier to deal with.  I think people, friends and family...no, I know people forget that I want kids and the fact that I can't will always be with me. Always.  It never gets better. It doesn't change.  It's a fact of my life.

Just because I'm not a complete basket case and I seem ok with it....I'm not.  It's not my choice.  The fact that I haven't felt compelled to write lately has been a relief to me.  It means that in a way I've come to terms with the whole thing.  I mean, what other choice do I really have?  To just walk around sad and depressed ALL the time.?  No.  I've learned how to deal with it much like you have to deal with your loved one dying.  It's never really ok.  You learn how to be ok without that person.  I learn to live with infertility. I hate it.

I guess Christmastime shines a spotlight on the whole thing.  I have to go to family gatherings where the focus is all my cousins and their kids, their new babies and pregnancies right in my face.  It's sitting there watching it all go on around me like a whirlwind and I'm just sitting still.

It's a cousin asking me to take a picture of her husband and their child sitting on his knee.
It's my mother taking pictures of other people's children.
A cousin talking about her upcoming maternity leave.
It's all the kids exchanging gifts. Running to their parents and happily ripping open the gift wrap. It's their parents oohing, and aahing.
It's people with kids not knowing what to talk about  with me because I don't have kids.  And maybe that one is only in my mind.  But it sure does feel awkward.  I mean, I teach 2nd grade and I have lots of funny stories.  I read a lot of books.  I have a vivid imagination and a great sense of humor. Surely we can find something in common.  Kids aren't the only topic of conversation in the world.

And there I sit.  Still.  Silent. Frozen.  Apart.

I endure it because that's the polite thing to do right?
What if I said, "I don't feel comfortable taking a picture of your family?"  "I don't feel like being at the gathering at all."  "I really don't want to watch your kid's new trick."
Can you imagine the looks I'd get?
Exactly.

See how it would be easier if I was actually sick?
People forget. People have their own issues.
So I stay quiet.  Just as every other infertile person and couple do.
We're already infertile.  We're already not part of the club.  We already feel the stares.
The, "oh that's so sad."

Once. Just once.  It would be so flippin' great if someone, anyone, just quietly whispered to me..."I'm thinking about you." "I know this is hard, but I'm glad you came."  "I'm praying for you."  A little sensitivity goes a long way.  Especially at gatherings where my hardship is compounded and staring me in the face in a hundred little ways.

No wonder I came home today and was a little bit of a basket case.  I go the whole year and am able to deal with other people's kids, pregnancies and situations.  But these family gatherings can be killer.
 
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes a little compassion goes a very long way.  A little sympathy.  A little remembering that not having kids is not my choice and it's very difficult for me.  If someone would extend me a little lifeline in a room full of kids and include me.  Remind me that it's really ok.  That I'm not a mutant who can't have kids.  That nothing is really wrong with me.  That this is just how my life is working out.  A little hug. A little smile. A little, I see you over there hurting and here's a little love. A little, I don't understand why either, but it's all going to be ok.

Is that so much to ask?

Kindness and Battles

Can ya'll tell I'm back at school from the lack of my blogging?
Well, guess I really can't blame my crazy school schedule since I really didn't do a lot of posts over the summer.
I really do enjoy blogging...I promise!  Guess I just wait til something hits me...

And something hit me last weekend.

I was walking into Hobby Lobby (my home away from home) and a girl, about my age, was right behind me lugging what looked like a super, deluxe, all the bells and whistles baby carrier thingy.  There was a teensy baby sound asleep inside.

To get to my HobLob's doors, you have to walk up an incline and she was struggling a bit, so I held the door for her.  When she looked me in the eye and said, "thanks!", I panicked.  What was I doing?  Why did I put myself in that position face to face with a new mom and sleeping babe?

Then, as I realized I met her gaze and told her, "you're welcome" that I actually meant it!

I didn't resent her. I wasn't about to burst into tears.

I didn't feel angry/frustrated/confused/jealous/depressed.  And that confused me.

So I walked to a quiet aisle inside and just stood and thought about those new, weird feelings.  As I was thinking, acting like I was really interested in frames, I realized that while I felt some sadness, it wasn't the overwhelming, dark, depressing kind.

It was the manageable kind.

The kind that makes you think, "man, I sure wish I had that, but I guess the time isn't right" kind.

Then I realized what a huge, important thing the act was for me and I was kind of expecting balloons and confetti and a banner saying, "Way to go Kellie!"

That new mom had no idea what a huge step holding the door was for me.  To her, I was just a stranger showing kindness.  

So I guess my point is, you never really know what's going on with someone else.  The people you pass in Hobby Lobby.  The cashier at the gas station. The girl smiling at you holding the door for you and your baby...

To-Do List and Direction

It's that time of year again.

I have just about a week left of summer vacation and I realize I haven't completed my summer to-do list. 
I am not a naturally organized person and I'm the biggest procrastinator I know.  So of course, now I'm suddenly motivated and am running around trying to get things on my list marked off.

I find it funny how I wrote and crossed off "kill poison oak".  That was all Stewart.

I planned on deep cleaning the house room by room.  I was going to start in June and work my way through the house each week.
Today I did the kitchen and den. 
I always have these great plans for myself in the summer, but usually just watch a lot of tv and read books. 
And apparently, I love making lists but never complete them.

My summers just keep getting shorter and shorter.  It feels like I've only been out a few weeks. 
My school system started going back for in-service the last week in July a few years ago and I just can't get used to it.  Just seems like we shouldn't be going back when the calendar says July.  Also, I usually feel revived and refreshed and am usually kind of ready to start a new school year. 
But not this year.  Don't know if it's just getting older or the fact that being a teacher seems to be getting more and more difficult...or if I just need a few more weeks to complete my list.

Yeah right!  I'd just keep watching tv and reading!

In other news, I met up with my friend Stacy earlier this week.  We had a great time talking about how she and her husband adopted their sweet little boy.  She was very encouraging and informative.  She made me realize just how doable adoption is. 

I tend to get pretty overwhelmed with pretty much anything and will try to talk myself out of things.  Even small tasks at times feel like they're too out of reach for me.  It's something I continually work on and pray about.
But I'm feeling more confident about adoption.

I came home after visiting with Stacey talking 90 to nothing.  My sweet hubby just sat and listened.  When I finally died down, we began some good conversation.  I even read to him out of one of the adoption books in bed the other night. 
And apparently, I have a soothing reading voice.

So, if you're reading this please pray specifically for us on 3 matters.
1-Finances.  We need to get some things in a bit of better shape. 
2-Timing.  Stewart is in school and we're living on my teacher salary.  We just want to be smart about the timing of when to start the adoption process.
3-Domestic or International.  We were both leaning toward and international adoption.  Specifically from China.  But after talking to Stacey, I may be leaning toward domestic. 

We both believe with all our hearts that God has a child specifically for us.  We want to be able to go boldly in the direction He has for us.

Summer and Open Tabs

 Now that my emotions are not ruling me...now that I can face our infertility without crying (most of the time), it's like my mind is cleared out. Or is clearing out....

It's not backed up with depression, anger, confusion and sadness. 
Lately, my tears have been happy ones. Like when I think of the future and what could happen.  I can't help it. My eyes well up because my heart feels so full of love and hope.

I've just been enjoying the simple things.  We aren't able to go anywhere on vaca this summer but that's ok.  This seems to be the summer of healing.
Enjoying family. 
Celebrating birthdays. 
Being creative. 

For instance, I tried one of those yummy looking Pinterest ideas.  An ice cream sandwich cake.  It turned out all right.  Except my toppings started melting...oh well...all that really matters is how it tastes, and it got gobbled up on Memorial Day!

We celebrated my birthday in June.  Mom and Will took Stewart and I out to eat at Jim and Nick's for some wonderful bbq, then went back to our house for birthday cake and ice cream.

 

The past few years, Stewart has been making my birthday cards.  Here is this year's, plus a little something extra.

 

 

 

I love Audrey Hepburn and zombies.  I don't know why. But my hubby captured both sides of my personality perfectly.

 July1, we went downtown to meet up with one of Stewart's childhood friends and his wife.  They hadn't seen each other since about 10th grade!  They're from Louisiana and were up in Memphis for vacation.  They did the whole downtown thing and met us at the Rendezvous to chow on some good ribs. We walked down by the river and saw the new Beale Street Landing where the big riverboat docks.  There are new beautiful overlooks to the river.  We're planning on going back down there one day when it's cooler and really exploring,

Getting our ribs on at the Rendezvous

 

On one of the river overlooks with the Memphis Bridge in the background.

My mind is like a computer with about a gazillion tabs open at the same time.  There's a lot going on in there right now.

Men don't have anything to do with it....My mind is just about to run away with itself.

I opened an ETSY shop called, KelliesWreaths.  I have always loved being creative.  I love to take pictures and have been scrapbooking for some time now. 
I also love to decorate my house and front door to match seasons, holidays and events and will make a wreath for myself from time to time.  Since Stewart is in school and we're learning to live on my teacher salary, I decided I might as well try to try to make a little money.  I've just started on this new venture and it's going slow.  But I'm glad because it's allowing me to tweak things and just figure out how to go about it all.

One of my wreaths in progress.

My wreaths is one open tab.  Another is budgeting, and losing weight and school starting back and home repairs and paying bills and remembering the wet towels I forgot to put in the dryer.

But there is one open browser that is kind of driving all the others right now.  It's something that's been brewing in my mind and Stewart's as well.

I'm excited, scared, emotional, worried, frustrated, impatient. But most of all Hopeful.

I borrowed the books from my friend Melisa who contemplated adoption but went with IVF instead.  She's my friend who is now raising twin boys with her hubby. 
I'm meeting with another friend next week who just recently adopted a cute little boy to talk about their journey and ask her questions.

We haven't officially talked to any agencies.  I emailed one here in Memphis and got an info packet through email.  Right now, we're reading, doing research and talking to friends who have been through it.

Stewart and I definitely want to try to adopt.  We just don't know what will happen.  Our two biggest concerns right now are timing and money. 
Is now a good time to begin the process with Stewart in school?
Or is not the time to begin? After all, adoption can take a few years.  Maybe if we begin now, by the time he graduates, maybe our paperwork will all be accepted.

We worry about money.  Finances are a huge concern.  Many agencies may not consider us since he's in school or there's only one income currently.

Then there's the question of adopting domestically or internationally.  If we had our way, it would be from China.  But adopting domestically is less expensive and would be quicker.

With all these tabs open and searching, my brain is about to freakin' crash! 

So, I take a deep breath and I step outside and I scream to the top of my lungs....oh wait, haha!

But seriously, I just sit quietly for a minute and with tears welling up, say, "Take it Father". 
 I just feel that He's got it under control and that it will all be okay.

There seems to be a theme with our life...and that's timing.  Stewart and I talk about it all the time.  Why didn't we meet sooner? Why didn't he finish school before we met? Why haven't we gotten pregnant?  It all seems to be about timing.

And it seems like maybe things are just starting to line up for us.
Whatever is happening, I know God saw us through what's already happened He's here with us now and He's already in our future.  He has out future all laid out and I know that it is for our good.

In with the good.
Out with the bad.

Grief and Healing

 Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good

This song has just been playing in my head lately and I've realized my emotions and attitude have been changing slowly but surely.  
My last post was back in April.  I think I was just tired.  Teacher tired at the end of the school year and worn out from all the emotions dealing with the whole infertility thing has caused.  
Actually, I think my feelings have been changing since way before April.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I think I've been changing for the past year.  

You know the 7 Stages of Grief?  I certainly went through these stages when we lost my Dad back in 2003.  

And with infertility, I've basically gone through the stages every month when I got a negative pregnancy test.  Yes. That's a lot of stages and emotions. And yes. I went through this every month.  It makes you crazy.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
   You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
   As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
   Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
   Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
   
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
   As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
   As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
   During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.  You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
   
   You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.                                                                                                                         (from: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html)

I think the past year I've been dealing with the end of depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and now acceptance and hope.  
It's like I can exhale now.  mostly.

How do I know? Well, because I don't feel angry, hateful, depressed, jealous anytime I see a baby, a pregnant lady, a mom with her kids in Target.  mostly.

I'm realizing that I'm feeling Hope. 
 And Happiness.  
And I'm feeling that there may be a way for us.  

My sadness, confusion, resentment, depression are fading into the shadows (they're still there but they're much more tame) and I feel like I can think about what the future may hold.

And it makes me smile.

Roast Beef and Tap Dancing

I thought I'd do a little update on Maude, the Wonder Dog.

She has made a complete turn-around.  She's still 15 years old and still has the heart valve issue and is still on about 3-4 medications (depending on what day it is in the month).  But she has gained back some weight.  She actually feels a little heavy and substantial and not frail when we pick her up!  She got down to about 8 pounds (yikes! scary!) and the last time I weighed her on our bathroom scale, she was 10.5.  Which is great!  Think she used to weigh around 15 or so.

RUNNING up the stairs.  Which is a very big deal since we were having to carry her up and down.  We still try to take her up and down some because of her arthritis.  She's very stubborn and will run from us if she doesn't feel like being carried.

She has been running around the yard, playing with us and Wyatt, barking when anyone walks in front of the house and is begging for treats like nobody's business!

Crunching on a Milk Bone

Getting love from Dad.

This is SO acurate for Maude and Wyatt...

When we started her on all her pills, we were having to get really creative with hiding them in treats and meals.  That is one smart little doggie!  I swear, she would actually turn up her nose and turn her head away anytime there was a hidden pill.
Then we discovered peanut butter.
We were desperate and just put it on our finger with the pill, held her and let her lick it all away.  Then she got wise to even that!

Then one day, Stewart was making himself a roast beef sandwich.  Kroger usually has their brand of lunch meat on sale 2 for $6 or 2 for $5.  And both Maude and Wyatt, of course, were standing there begging/waiting for scraps to fall.  So Stewart tossed a little morsel their way.
 Maude went crazy for it and started tap dancing like nothing I've ever seen.
So, now, the roast beef is our fail safe and always works to give her all those meds.  She's become a little junkie actually!  It's pretty hilarious.

Here it is...the doggie fountain of youth...the doggie elixir of life...ROAST BEEF!!!

We've also become accustomed to hearing some pretty pitiful whining in the early morning hours.  If she decided she wants or needs to go outside (get a treat), she will sit by the bed and make the most sad little noises you've ever heard.  She's also gotten quite bossy and demanding.  But I have to admit, we love it!  She can boss us around, work us for treats and demand to be taken outside all she wants. 

awww, brother and sister...but really, they're both lying in wait for each other to leave their toys for just a second so they can pounce and steal what the other has.

We are so happy she's doing so well and that we get to keep her for just a little while longer.

hee lar i ous!  (yet informative) you have no idea just how true this is!

Scabs and Rainy Days

Have you ever had an old injury that always kinda hurts when it rains or there is bad weather?  Or had a wound almost heal and somehow knock the scab off?  Going to birthday parties (specifically 1st birthday parties) are kind of like that for someone dealing with infertility.

It's fairly painful and generally not that much fun for us.  From the time we get the invitation to the time we leave the party, we deal with a lot of up and down emotions and stress.

I've written in the past about how I just don't attend baby showers anymore, and the same goes for parties.  But when it's your family, you just need to go to those.  We don't want to alienate ourselves.  We just figure out strategies for ourselves and just say we're going to spend time with family instead of focus on the fact that's it's a 1st birthday party.

I worry about everything.  I stress about having to buy a gift and whether I dare venture into the baby section in Target.  I worry that as I'm attempting to select a gift, I'll begin crying and have to run out.  So I just avoid this altogether and just get a card and a gift card.

I worry that at the party, someone will ask me if we have kids. Or ask why. Or joke around and say stuff like, "Ya'll are next!" "Ya'll would be such great parents!"  Things like this just shakes our world up (and not in a good way) even though it's not meant to.
I worry about how I'll respond.  I worry I'll totally lose it and say something I'll regret.  I worry that someone will force me to hold a baby.  I worry that I'll walk in and burst into tears.  I worry that I will go home and be depressed for a week.

Then there are the realities.  The smash cake and excitement surrounding that.  Laughing at all the frosting he got everywhere and how cute it is.  Then the brick wall that slams into me when I realize it's looking like I may never have that moment.  Admiring the cute decorations, the mom opening the presents, joining in halfway, then making a quick exit to the bathroom to get yourself back on an even keel because you started to tear up.

We try our best to enjoy.  Like the moment in the backyard when Stewart was on a swing and a cute little toddler walked up to him wanting to swing with him.  Stewart gave me that deer in headlights look and I just smiled at him.  We  both wanted him to pick up the kid and swing.  And that's exactly what he did.  It was fun and cute and we enjoyed the moment.  But on the ride home, I cried a little as Stewart said how great that felt and we both wish it was our own kid.

As we drove and talked about everything that we saw and experienced, we realized we survived.  Not only did we survive, we actually enjoyed little moments here and there.  Apparently, it's all about small steps.  It's also knowing how much to allow yourself to be involved in.  It's also about learning to enjoy good moments when they come but also to talk to one another about the parts that hurt and were tough.

We realized we survived a little rainstorm. And although we didn't necessarily dance in the rain, we held each others hand and got through it together. 

Infertility has left some scars on us that will probably never truly go away.  So, we bandage each other up and keep on going.....


 Here is a great little post from the blog of the Reproductive Medicine Associates of Philadelphia.
 http://www.rmaspecialists.com/2014/03/infertility-is-like-the-weather/

Infertility Is Like the Weather

 Pamela Madsen, The Fertility Advocate (Guest Blogger for RMA Philadelphia)

One of my favorite quotes of all time, by Pema Chodron, is this:

“You are the sky; everything else—it’s just the weather.”

It is easy to apply this thinking to infertility. You are the sky; the rest is infertility!!
I love this quote in the context of infertility because it embodies the notion that we are not what happens to us.  We are not the tragedies, or the obstacles, or the challenges that we face each and every day.   We are separate from all of that.  Just like we are separate from our infertility.

It is ironic that infertility can be as wild as the weather, and as changeable.
One day we can have calm sunny skies and the next day it can be like high winds, with trees crashing around us. We can feel like our very homes are lifting from the grounds and being tossed about. Oh yes, weather can be the perfect metaphor for infertility.

The thing about Pema’s quote is that we need to remember that no matter what the weather is doing, we are the sky. The weather may change around us but we are always here doing our thing in the orbit. We are solid. The weather changes and the storms roll in and out. The sky is resilient—it will still be there when the weather passes.

We can’t really control the weather. Sometimes we can’t even predict it. All we can do is do our best to be prepared for it.

But what if we just allowed ourselves to be in it and then let it pass? You know, just like the sky does?

What if we allowed ourselves to stand in the rain and get wet? Or really enjoy the sunny day?

I think that we spend a lot of time in infertility treatment fighting our feelings and sometimes even the treatment. We can get stuck in sadness and doubt. And we can also pretend that we feel fine! Nothing is wrong. We’re not sad! I am wondering about us practicing to stand in the rain or the sunshine and allowing ourselves to remember that we are the sku and everything else is just the weather.

Feel the weather. And then notice that the weather passes and changes all the time.

It  really is just like infertility treatment . Good news happens. Feel it. Disappointment happens. Acknowledge it and allow yourself to grieve. Then be like the earth and allow yourself to release it and move on because new weather is always on the horizon.

Inches and Centimeters

2nd graders love to measure!  I don't know what it is, but every year when I introduce the rulers and they realize they get to handle their very own tool, they go crazy.  We measure everything. I mean everything!  It's fun for me as the teacher as well.  I love seeing their eyes light up when I hand them their rulers.  I like showing them that it has two sides, inches and centimeters.  It's like I told them it's Harry Potter's wand.

 

 One of the first things we did was to just talk about measuring things.  I found a pack of measurement posters on teachers pay teachers for $4.00  Here's the link
http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Elementary-Measurement-Posters-15-MathScience-PostersHandouts-161647

I put one of the posters up on the SmartBoard and had students copy it into their Math journals.  It was a really good jumping off point and started some good conversation.  We got out the paperclips and measured everything they could think of!

Then we completed this fun little activity in our Math Journals.  They had to use the stripes in the tool box to measure each object.  One was teddy bears the other was paper clips.  This was a great activity to get them ready for inches and centimeters.

I got this from TPT, but can't find the link.  Think it was free though.

(found the link!  here it is:  http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Interactive-Math-Foldable-for-First-Grade-865048)

Of course, I have to use books.  I love this author/illustrator:  Brian P. Cleary.  I have his whole set of Grammar books. My fav title is "To Root, To Toot, To Parachute. What is a Verb?"  This is my first Math book of his and I plan on owning all of them.

Check out his website:  http://www.brianpcleary.com/

This book is excellent.  It tells the history of measuring and is beautifully illustrated by Steven Kellog (another of my fav illustrators).

Millions to Measure included this HUGE fold out page of how long a rattlesnake is.  My 2nd graders were super impressed.





Another measurement activity we worked on was a Measurement Garden.  It is part of a pack I bought on TPT. http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/I-Can-Measure-using-inches-and-centimeters-238504

First, they color their flowers, then put them in order from smallest to largest then glue them on construction paper.

Then they measure each flower in inches and centimeters and write it above the flower.

They loved coloring but they really loved measuring.  They were concentrating to hard to make sure they got each measurement correct.

All in all, I feel pretty confident that my 2nd graders are sufficiently learning the concept of measuring and how to do it correctly,

Blown Fuses and Timing

I would be such a great mom.
Stewart would be such a fantastic dad.
Maude and Wyatt can testify to this.  But I can't seem to teach them to read, or say "please and thank you" or "yes mam'm or no sir". 

We often feel left out of life a bit.  It sometimes becomes difficult to be around friends/peers with kids simply because we aren't in that club yet.  It's so much easier to be around people going through the same things you are no matter what that is.  Girlfriends of mine have left me behind in this area and are experiencing motherhood and growing their family.
Stewart and I don't begrudge them, but it just creates a divide sometimes.
I don't mean to complain.  These are just the facts of our life.

Adoption.  This is the word floating around in my mind lately.  Then the word Money pops up.  Then the word Timing.  Then Trust.  Then I sigh and just say a quick prayer about letting it go and the time will come when it's right.  But then I think about adoption again.

It's a difficult process to work through.  At first, I was angry.  I shouldn't have to consider adoption. I should be getting pregnant.

It's not fair as I stomp my feet and yell into the air.
Especially the day I was looking around on the internet at a few agencies and what they require.

Stewart kept telling me to stay off the websites because my emotions weren't there yet.  But I insisted I was fine.  I soon realized I wasn't.
 As soon as I came across a few agencies that require you to provide medical records on any pets in your house I blew a fuse!

We are constantly bombarded by crazy news stories about parents doing horrible things to their babies and kids.  And we have to provide every last, little detail of our lives just to be considered?!
Oh boy...I had to take a step back. Several steps actually.

I was super angry, actually livid.  I didn't want to adopt. I wanted my own, biological child.  There were so many what's, if's and but's racing around my mind when it came to adoption.  I decided it was NOT for me.

But then, I started seeing this verse. Everywhere. On Pinterest. On Facebook. In weird places. Driving down the road, in store windows.

Talk about thought provoking!

Then there's this one.

A different version of  Ephesians 1

It got me to thinking.  Jesus adopted us.  Stewart and I sort of adopted each other.  We adopted Maude, then Wyatt...so really, we're all vagabonds and our child really should be too.  It's also pretty cool to think about how God may have a child out there now or waiting to be born that is meant just for us...When I start thinking about it, I get pretty excited. So I guess I'm warming up to the whole idea of adoption.

But it feels like we're a long way off from the actual process. With Stewart in art school, we are just kind of scraping by.  There are financial options, but we need to be smart about things. 

I really like this one...

Maude

Let me preface this by saying, when you don't have kids, you blog about your dogs. Which are your furry kids!! (and take and post lots of pictures. So if you don't want to see a bunch of pictures of a CUTE dog, stop reading NOW)

I love Maude!

We went to Overton Bark last Spring with some friends and their 2 dogs.
Maude had a ball!

I have had a lot of dogs in my life, but I must say, she is by far the sweetest and cutest of them all.
Stewart got her when she was a puppy.  I've seen pictures and she was the tiniest little thing.

I kinda stole her from him when we started dating in 2005.  Maude and I girl bonded.

One of the 1st pictures we took as we began dating.  
With Maude in the middle of course!
Wolf River 2006

But before the stealing and bonding, Maude was our chaperone and made sure I knew she was there first.

Maude was a hoarder in her younger days!

Once, at the beginning of our relationship, Stewart and I were at his townhouse watching a movie, Maude jumped up in between us, looked at Stewart, then me for more than a few minutes and put her paw on Stewart's leg never taking her eyes off of me!  It was like she was saying, "Ok lady, I guess I'll allow you to come around, but you just need to know who runs things here."
I agreed to her terms and we've been a little family ever since.

I also love to tell (and somewhat embellish) the story of how Maude growled, barked at and tried to bite other girls Stewart dated.
But not me!!  In fact, once as I pulled up to his midtown townhouse, they were outside on the opposite of the courtyard and when she saw me, she took off running and jumped into my arms!  I knew I was in!

We just HAD to get some pictures with her during our engagement session.

Christmas 2012

Dogs are just so wonderful and Maude is no exception.  Actually she's above exception.  She has always been sensitive to moods.  Anytime I've been sad, she senses it.  Suddenly, she'll appear from whatever hidey hole at home she's been sleeping in, jump up in my lap and just snuggle. She has been especially sensitive as Stewart and I are going through our infertility journey and is always there to love on us.

Working us for treats with
their best "cute" faces

Maude and Wyatt. Partners in crime.

Dogs in sombreros

Everyone who meets Maude immediately falls under her spell and is in love.

Will, my baby brother, loves Maude.

She's very small for a Boston.  The story I heard was that she was the runt of the litter.  She's just a petite little girl, but has a great, big attitude and personality.  But don't let her sweetness and cuteness fool you...she is hardheaded, very independent,  a little spoiled (one of her nicknames is "The Sultan") and usually gets her way.

Maude relaxing on "HER" bed.

She loves to roll around and scratch her back in the grass. 

Maude relaxing while we're watching tv.

But she's the most obedient dog I've ever met.  I just about think she'd let her bladder burst before she did #1 (or 2) in the house.

She's also a girl who loves her cheese and treats.  You better be careful when you extend your hand giving her one...she's like a shark jumping out of the water!  CHOMP! BITE!

Maude and Wyatt on the Roaring Forks Motor Trail
Gatlinburg, TN 2012

Maude on the Gatlinburg Trail Summer 2012

She also loves her pillows. Rather humping those pillows!!  Sometimes, we have to hide certain ones. I'm talking, she will WEAR her little self out!  Gracious.

Maude loves to ride around.  She doesn't care where as long as she can get in your lap and look out the window.

A trip to the Olive Branch park

Maude just LOVES getting out and about.  Especially at parks!

Maude after we left the Germantown dog park one day in May.

She's our little girl. Our little fur baby.

Maude is also 15 years old.  She's getting SO white. Especially around her little ears.  Her pretty eyes are cloudy and she has trouble seeing in dim and very bright light.  She's been running into things lately and sometimes runs right by us when we're calling her.  She has arthritis and joint issues.  She also has a heart mummer.  Maude is not young anymore.

I love doing doggie photo shoots and this was in our backyard last spring.

In September, Stewart and I were getting all dressed up to go out to eat for our anniversary.  He let Maude and Wyatt out just as were about to leave.  Suddenly, we both heard this terrible, sorrowful crying and we just looked at each other.  I said, "That's Maude!" I've never seen Stewart move so fast.  He ran outside to her, slipped in the grass (doodoo actually! haha) in his hurry to get to her in his nice khakis.  She was lying on her side and was just heaving.  Her eyes were wild and she was crying out.  She didn't know were there with her.  After a few minutes, she seemed to come back around and we just sat there in the grass and petted and talked softly to her.  Stewart picked her up and took her inside.  After a few more minutes, she perked up and was ready for a treat.  We waited a bit and watched her and finally decided she was ok and left for dinner.  We talked about it on our way to eat and just decided her arthritis just got the best of her and she got disoriented in the bright sun and got scared and called for us.

She's a great little poser.

In the following months, she had a few more episodes.  In the past few weeks they seem to have gotten worse.  And one day about two weeks ago, she jumped off of our bed.  (which is kind of high) One of her back legs gave out on her and she fell and seemed to hurt herself.  Stewart said she went into a pretty bad "episode"and just wasn't herself for a few days.  We took her to the vet at that point where we found out her heart murmur has caused DVD (degenerative valve disease). She is now on 2 medications. One of which is for high blood pressure.  Our vet said she may very well been having cardiac episodes.  At first we thought it was seizures, but her little heart valve is just wearing out, fluid builds up and makes things tough for her.

The past few weeks have been  pretty rough for us.  We just haven't been seeing her sweet little personality and we know she's having a rough time. Neither of us have said it but we both are thinking, "Is this it for our sweet Maude?"  As this past week went on, we could tell she was still uncomfortable and still having difficulty, but seemed to begin perking up a little more.  She seemed to be reacting to all her meds fairly well.

We had another vet appointment on Friday, January 31.  We told the vet we felt like most of her problem was her legs.  He watched her walk around (quite well in fact, thank you very much!) and said it was her arthritis and bad knees.  He said corrective surgery would help but that she was so old she wouldn't survive.  He did an EKG on her and took her blood pressure.  He had to use a cat cuff and even it was too big for her petite self and he couldn't get a good enough reading.  But everything looked good and he gave us stronger arthritis medication.
We take her back for another checkup in a month.

From another backyard doggie photo shoot.

So now, we're just trying to love on her and prolong her sweet little life for as long as we can.  We can definitely tell that one of her medications especially is really helping her.  She doesn't dance for treats and run around like a cat with the night crazies anymore.  The vet said to try to keep her stress free and not to let her get too excited.  So we carry her up and down the stairs and pick her up to put her on the bed.  She is still independent and still runs up the stairs and jumps on and off furniture, but she's also realizing it hurts too much and will stand and wait on us to pick her up.

Maybe you're reading this and you're thinking..."good grief!  all this for just a dog."  But she's a family member and has shown us nothing but unconditional love.  She is a blessing to us and we see her as a Gift from God.  As I believe all dogs are.  It's our job to take care of these sweet, loving animals who are a reflection of God's pure love for us.

One my favorites.
Christmas 2010

After this picture, she promptly tore that lei to shreds.

A few winters ago when Memphis actually got snow and ice.  We have the perfect hill in our backyard for sledding.

The same winter.  She hated the snow but loved looking out of our bedroom window and barking her head off!

Stewart and I are going to be unbelievably sad when her day comes.  It is going to be incredibly sad and tough for us.  I am praying we will both be home so that we can both be holding her, talking to her and helping her to not be afraid.  I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this now.

All dogs go to heaven.