Small Steps and Dealing With It

I offered to hold a baby Sunday.
It was actually a big deal for me. But I meant it.  It was during church and the mom wanted to get a doughnut and her baby was sleeping. And he was getting heavy.  I wanted her to get her doughnut.  She ended up not wanting to disturb the sleeping babe.  But I offered and I am pretty sure I would have been caught up in helping and cuteness. I have no idea how I would have felt later on, but in that moment I felt fine to hold a baby.

This is my daily life.

My hair is entirely too long, too thick and has too many split ends.  The reason?  My hair girl is a new mom.  I'm not sure I can sit in her chair and chit chat about babies and why haven't I had one yet.  But I'm becoming desperate.  My hair is a lion's mane and needs to be tamed.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and go.

I avoid lines at Kroger, Chick fil A, Target, Hobby Lobby, you name it if there is a baby or expecting mom.
I know I can't hide. This is life.  People get pregnant and have babies all the time.
Except for me. And that's hard to take some days.  So on those day, I hide.

Some days, I walk the other direction happy I don't have to deal with a screaming kid knowing at the same time that I would GLADLY deal.

I tell myself, "Man, Stewart and I have it good! We can sleep in, plan our own schedules, do what we want." But deep down I know it's all a lie.
Well, I love sleeping in. So that's not a lie.

I have a secret Pinterest board filled with the CUTEST nursery ideas.  Sometimes I go look at it and make plans and feel happy and hopeful. But most of the time, I just pass it by. Knowing it's there.

Most days, I'm forced to deal with it.  Like today at my school where I teach.  We have 2 VERY pregnant ladies both on my hallway.  I just walk away if possible and if not, I just try not to get involved in conversations.  Maybe this sounds selfish, but I know how much I can take. I try to take care of myself and not become depressed. It's a very slippery slope and can sneak up on me in a heartbeat.  So this is why I'm not planning on being involved in baby showers. I'm just trying to survive and keep my emotions on a steady keel.

So, please be patient with me.  If I seem mad, selfish or uncaring I'm just trying to make it through without my emotions completely taking control and demolishing me.

I don't walk around in a depressed haze. Today I was generally happy and had a pretty good day. But when anyone deals with things of this nature, it just becomes a part of you and it never truly goes away. You just figure out how to handle it better.

Part of my dealing with it is humor.
It's funny because it's true...

Stewart and I know we were meant to be together because we both have the same silly, goofy, quirky sense of humor.
The day I was crying in church over seeing Jack in person for the 1st time, he whispered to me that he would just draw us a baby.
And he would shade it real good.

Birthdays and Back to School

My birthday is in June.  Stewart and I always head over to mom's where we eat some good mom cooking, act silly and have fun.

That one candle sang the Happy Birthday song!
And that homemade cake was DE licious!

Stewart and I

Will, my little brother was born July 30 and my mom's day is August 2.

 So we always have a big time celebrating in the summer.  Mom and Will always come over to our house the weekend after their birthdays and Stewart fires up the grill, we eat, have birthday cake and ice cream, hang out and just have a fun time.  This year was no exception.

Mom and Will with their Birthday Goodies.

Will, Mom and I

Of course, kids always enter my mind.
I am always thinking how it needs to hurry up and happen so that mom can be a grandma.
My dad is already gone as well as both sets of grandparents.  Stewart's as well.
I really want any child that we may have to have a chance to know my mom and Stewart's parents.

It's pretty depressing when you think about it all.

And that's also why I get so angry when people tell me to stop thinking about it so hard and that it will happen when it happens and how I just need to not be so stressed out.

To which I ALWAYS scream inside my head, "I'm not a spring chicken here people! I really don't have that luxury!  Plus, I have to calculate for ovulation!!  So if I just don't think about how my kitchen is dirty and I don't stress about it, it will just magically become clean on its own?  If I don't stress about paying my bills, it will just happen?"

I read an article not too long ago about how dealing with infertility had the same emotional stress and impact as that of a cancer/chemotherapy patient.  (If I can ever find that article again, I'm posting in one of my blog entries)  You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to not worry and stress and it'll all go away would you?

BUT, I am still holding on to my Faith.


After all that birthday celebration with family(and the little rant above), it's time to get down to business. And that business is me being a 2nd grade teacher.

I am kicking and screaming that summer break is over.  It's a difficult time transitioning from summer brain to teacher brain.  I've been meeting myself coming and going the last couple of weeks.  Then there's the going to bed early and getting up early.  I am the definition of a night owl. So is Stewart. So when I say I stayed up late and slept in even later...I mean it.

My classroom is together(BIG thank you's to mom and Stewart!!), I've worked registration, spent an entire week of in-service, spent most of my alloted money at Knowledge Tree, planned lessons, figured out outfits, bought lunch goodies, and even bought a new lunch bag.
And now I'm about to go back for the 2nd full week with students.

This will be my 11th year of teaching and I ALWAYS get nervous the first day of school.  I can't figure it out. I feel pretty confident as my abilities as a teacher. Maybe it's just because you never really know what you'll face when you walk through those doors.  I always want to make a good impression. So say a little prayer for teachers everywhere as we start school and teach the children of our world.

I love those monkeys!

View of my classroom from my desk.
That projector thingy is a
SmartBoard and is VERY cool!

Morning Meeting Area

My classroom library

Speaking of going back to school...Stewart quit his job in June, started working on his art portfolio, received the best scholarship available based on 10 pieces, and got accepted into a great art program.

He has been unhappy at his job for some time now and it has always been his dream to do art for a living.  Specifically become an illustrator for a major comic book company like Marvel.  He is talented and committed to his dream.  I am extremely proud of him and cannot wait to see what the future holds for him.

A self portrait and one of my favs.

Box of Hope and 10 Words

So, a few weeks ago, I was having a pretty bad, emotional day.  I was also in physical pain.  Pj's were my dress code and the couch and remote were my life boat and sustenance.  It was the best I could do. I've been there before and knew I needed a day to be sad.

Stewart went to the mailbox about 8:00 that night and discovered I had received a little package.
Inside the mailing envelope was just a little box, wrapped with a bow.  This was what was inside.

Pure sweetness.
A SWEET note-card full of expressions of love, thoughtfulness,
encouragement and hope.
A Hope magnet, a keychain and a girl holding a Cross.

My sweet and thoughtful friend Christy had sent me "A box full of hope".
It made my day and was the life-raft I needed.

Knowing that she had thought of me and was praying for me did wonders.
Then realizing just how the Lord arranges little things like this to speak to me in my moments of hurting amazed me beyond belief.
These are the things that keep me going when I am having a difficult time.

This Box of Hope is something that I will have to remember and pass on. What a great way to encourage anyone going through pretty much anything.  Just grab a few goodies, add some words of encouragement, wrap it up and send it on its way. I can't wait to be able to pay this one forward!

Now, I want to share an excerpt from a blog called The Actual Pastor, that explains how all this infertility jazz feels in the best way possible.  If you know someone dealing with it, please read carefully then respond to them in like. 

It's pretty interesting from a male POV.  Stewart can completely relate.  

And FYI, #8 describes EXACTLY why I was so down when my Box of Hope arrived.  

I was 2 days late...and then I wasn't.  Then I realized (for the millionth time), that it was back to the drawing board and I had to ready myself to start the process all over again not knowing if THIS time would be THE time.

Ten words that describe infertility

March 26, 2013 

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the hilarious and exasperating journey of parenting small children. But for seven harrowing years of infertility, Mary and I would have given anything to have children, no matter how hard it was.

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.

Twins and What TO Say

Let me introduce you to my friend Melisa.

We were roommates for about 3 1/2 years.  
We got HBO in our townhouse just so we could watch every episode of Sex and the City on Sunday nights.  (I'm the Charlotte!  No, I'M the Charlotte!)
Also, that episode when Trey brings Charlotte a cardboard cutout of a baby is still hilarious and now I have an even better understanding of their fight in front of the other girls.

Charlotte & Trey were struggling with infertility and he brought
her a cardboard baby as a joke trying to cheer her up.
 It did not cheer her up.

We survived boyfriends, work schedules and being young women together. (Not to mention the tenants next door who listened to LOUD, Spanish versions of Brittany Spears all night long!)
I was a bridesmaid in her beautiful wedding on the beach and in turn, she was one of my beautiful bridesmaids. 
We have experienced great losses...my father and her brother.
She is a wonderful person and friend. 

Monday, she and her husband welcomed twin boys into the world.  
I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS and that I'm so happy for them!

They have struggled with infertility and have dealt with their own heartbreak but finally decided to go for it with IVF and were successful!  I almost feel that it's me. Their joy is my joy.
They represent success in the midst of my frustration, and hurting and that encourages me to keep trying.

When she found out she was pregnant, she let me know the news in the absolute, best way possible.  Let me just say, in my opinion, this is the BEST way to let someone who is struggling with infertility know about a pregnancy.

She sent me a private message on Facebook.  

Yes, it seems super impersonal. But she is one smart cookie and she later told me she wanted me to be able to have my own, private, true reaction. She didn't want me to worry about having to put on a "happy face" in front of her if I wasn't. She wanted me to be able to cry if I needed to then call her when I was ready.  
I told you she was a wonderful person and friend.

I pretty much immediately called her.  (after I shouted out, "Mel and Patrick are pregnant. With twins!!" and just about made Stewart jump out of his skin! haha)
I was truly happy and excited for her.  I also think it gave me hope to know that a friend's struggle was working out and therefore gave me a HUGE boost of Hope.

Late Monday, she welcomed into the world and finally met face to face with her 2 bundles of joy.
Yes. There is a small part of me that is sad for myself, but there is a larger part of me that is overjoyed for a sweet friend who deserves every happiness in the world.
Love you lots Mel!!

Melisa and I on my wedding day.

At this point, I was going to talk about what NOT to say or do to someone dealing with infertility.  I've had 2 people try to insist I look at their ultrasound pictures. (Which I declined) I've also had another person physically try to force me to feel her baby kicking her stomach! I have a lot folks around me who care about me who have unknowingly said hurtful things.  So instead of focusing on all of that and people reading this wondering, "oh no, is she talking about me?" I want to post an entry from a blog (Divine Caroline) I came across. It is sweet, and simple and so true.

What to Say to Friends Facing Infertility

By Larami Williams

So there are a million and one articles about what not to say to friends facing Infertility. These included everything from, "God has a plan" to "You can have my kids." Although these articles are generally correct in their assumptions of what infertile couples don't want to hear, I would like to propose a twist to the conventional article…

What about what they WANT to hear? Aren't there things that an infertile woman (or man) would want to hear from people?

As a woman with two children from a previous marriage and having faced infertility trouble to conceive both of my kids I know there are! As I sit now typing this article I can say I am currently facing the infertility path yet again. I remarried several years ago and in the past three years my husband and I have yet to conceive. Let me tell you…the pain of infertility does not get easier if you have other children. I have heard all the cliche things over the last three years. And being a woman who is absolutely open about my infertility more than enough people have offered their "advice" through our multiple treatments.

As I sat next to my husband last night, I got to thinking of what (if anything) would be helpful for my friends or family to say while walking with me through this dark and painful journey. Here is my list of top things to say to a friend faced with infertility no matter where they are in the journey (and it IS a journey).

1. "I cannot imagine the hurt you are feeling, but please know I am here for you." This simple statement will ease some of the pain your friend is feeling. If she is just starting her journey she will come back to your comment and will likely call on you to listen along the way.

2. "Kids are a blessing and I can totally understand why your heart desires one (or another one)." In saying this you are not dismissing her heartfelt yearning for a child, and that can be very moving when you are looking at a pathway to get to your dreams.

3. "When you have your baby I want to be the one to help with your baby shower or anything else you might need help with." The optimal word in this statement is WHEN, do not use the word IF. In her heart she needs to believe that other people believe that it is not an IF but a WHEN.

4. "You and your husband are going to have the most beautiful baby ever!" Again, she needs her friends to believe that their dreams of a baby will come true. The power of positive thinking, right?

5. "I love you." When you are a woman with female infertility problems it is devastating to your womanhood. You beat yourself up over and over about not being able to do the basic function that a woman should be able to do. Just knowing someone loves you is always a help when you are hurting.

6. "If I had the extra $10,000 you need for In-vitro Fertilization I would give it to you." The financial strain that infertility puts on most couples is tremendous and just knowing that someone would help if they could help is nice.

7. "I will pray for your miracle baby." Faith is the only thing that gets most couples through this painful journey and sharing a prayer may be just what she needs.

I could go on and on and probably list a hundred things to say and even more to not say. These are just a few of the things that my friends and family members have said that have helped me during our treatments. If a woman opens up to you about infertility it is because she trusts you. Please do not judge her for her hearts desire. This is not a path I would want anyone to have to go down, but 1 in 8 couples will. Those couples will need the support and love from their friends more than you will ever know.

Will Smith said, "If you are absent during my struggle, do not expect to be present during my success." Be present for friends who are facing infertility, the rewards will know no bounds!

Chick-fil-A and a baby

The rest of this verse says, "I will praise You more and more."
I have loved this verse for a long time.
That's just me. I'm always hoping for the best.
I hope I'll still lose weight even though I ate too much ice cream.
I hope my favorite person won't get kicked off Big Brother.
I hope I get a "good" class of 2nd graders for the new school year.
But deeper than those silly things, I have the greatest hope because of Jesus. He has instilled hope in me. And even though my hopes don't always turn out the way I want them too, and even though I might not want to, I DO praise Him more and more.  Because He gives me hope.


Now for a little story...

Earlier this week, Stewart and I ended up eating at Chick fil A.
We were standing in line and it was pretty crowded.  I was busy studying the menu. (they changed their salads so I was trying to find my new favorite)

Stewart whispered in me ear, "Hey, look at that baby. He's smizing."
(according to Tyra Banks, that means smiling with your eyes. Also, Stewart got jokes)

My very first thought was, "WHY is my husband telling me to acknowledge ANY baby?"
1-He just doesn't usually point kids out like that and 2-He knows I'm mad at all babies.

So, I relented and looked at the baby.
You better believe I had already seen that mom standing 2 people in front of us holding her baby over her shoulder and was doing everything in my power not to.
But when I looked at that baby...I promise you...he WAS smizing. He also just had this little smirk on his face.  We locked eyes and it's like that baby was all-knowing.

He looked into my soul and read it.
He kept looking at me and smizing at me as if to say, "Come on! look at me! I'm adorable! You KNOW I'm cute! You can't resent all this cuteness."

That baby was trying to hypnotize me.
He also mind-controlled the man in front of me to play peek-a-boo with him.
I swear, that baby NEVER changed expression. He was just smile-smirking, smizing and sizing us ALL up.  That baby's mom facing forward had no clue what her kid was doing behind her back.

In that moment, I realized, I could remain resentful, angry, unhappy about my heartbreak. Or, I could relent and let go just a little bit and look back at that baby and admit it. "Yes, all-knowing, smizing baby. You ARE cute."

s i g h....I let go.
I looked at that baby and smiled. Just a little.
That baby smiled right back at me as if to say, "Now, don't you feel better?"
And I did.
It felt good.  It doesn't take away the fact that my heart aches for one of my own, but it felt good to just smile at a little baby and feel happy because a baby was cute. (and smizing)

Heartache and Hope

Here's our story so far.
You might want to grab a snack if you plan on reading this all the way through.
See how I added pretty pictures to try and break it up some?

Stewart and I met in 2006, got married in 2008, bought our house in 2009 and figured we were right on track and that starting a family would be next.  Happy, Happy, Happy!

September 20, 2008
Will, my little brother, Pam, my mom, me, Stewart, Mary & Joe, Stewart's parents
My dad unexpectedly passed away in 2003.
There is a little picture frame with his picture tied to the back of my bouquet.

I love this one.
I'm still obsessed with my dress.
I may have tried it on a few days ago.

The summer of 2010, we were getting ready to travel to Orlando for a belated honeymoon.

I had a yearly checkup with my OBGYN.  We had already been trying, so she went ahead and referred me (she actually set up my appointment) to a fertility specialist.
After I got to asking around, this was supposedly the office you wanted to go to and getting appointments was fairly difficult.  

We happily went on our honeymoon and had a GREAT time.
We just figured we'd go see this Dr. when we got back, they'd direct us and we'd get pregnant.  We really weren't all that worried about it.

Look how carefree we were on the teacups at Disney.

So we met with the fertility Dr. for our first consultation and were both fairly nervous.  He brought a medical student in the office to sit in on our conversation.  I didn't really mind, but wasn't terribly comfortable. Of course, we had to answer a lot of embarrassing questions, but soon got over our modesty.  He spouted off a bunch of statistics, much of it specifically about my age.  I'm still very sensitive about this so that's all I'll say for now.

We began (that day, I think) a battery of the usual testing.  I have never been so poked, prodded, and THOROUGHLY examined in my entire life.  Much of it was pretty invasive. Anyone who knows me well, knows I'm VERY modest and I'm terrified of needles. (well, I WAS terrified of needles)

They sent me off to have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  Click here to find out more about HSG.
I know, I can't pronounce it either.  Basically, they shoot dye through your tubes to make sure they're not blocked.  We were told that often, women concieve after this procedure as the dye unblocked stuff. I'm a big nerd, so when the Dr. asked me if I wanted to watch it on the screen as he did the HSG, I emphatically said "yes!" I was amazed and a little grossed out all at once. 

Anyway, Stewart and I just KNEW this was our problem.  The dye would clear me out, we'd be able to conceive and that would be the end of that.
Not so fast.
All that we learned is that one of my tubes is slightly pinched in.  Not pinched closed, but just more narrow.  I could have surgery to correct it, but that it would not impede conception at all.  We decided against the surgery.  Whew!  I escaped a few needles plus more.

The Dr. put me on Clomid, which is a pill that stimulates the release of hormones necessary for ovulation to occur.  They told us I do ovulate, but not as well as I should.  huh?
Clomid is also to blame for multiple births.
Again, still sort of laughing about all of this infertility jive, we joked about how we were going to end up with freakin' sextuplets and have to have our own reality show just to afford the little darlings.

Our diagnosis was "unexplained infertility".  The Dr. said he saw no reason why we would not be able to conceive on our own.

Really??? 

You've got to be kidding!!

After all those tests. After all the blood drawn. After all the money paid out of pocket to have it done because most insurance does not cover this sort of thing either at all or completely.  After having to disrobe and be examined multiple times...It's unexplained?  S I G H
This is where we began to really get worried. And frustrated.
We just figured that at the end of it all, we'd have some sort of answer or at least a kid on the way.

I ended up being on Clomid for a little over a year.  I started having very bad cramps.  I had to get some serious pain meds from my OBGYN & Stewart threatened to take me to the ER on more than one occasion.
I gained weight and my emotions and moods were all over the place.  During that year, the Dr. told us our next steps would be to do an IUI, or just go straight to IVF.
We ended up doing an IUI. Click here
Insurance doesn't cover most of it.  It also didn't cover the $99 shots (a piece) I had to give myself in the stomach.  Have I mentioned my abhorrence for needles?

We endured the 2WW. That's 2 week wait.  There's a whole underground world I discovered on-line of message boards filled with infertiles.  They have this weird secret language.
For example: DH, TTC, BCP, BFP, BFN, HSG. Ohhhh...you know that one don't you young grasshopper!

Well, as you guessed, the IUI didn't work. So we gathered up our broken hearts as best we could and just kept on trucking.

I tried to make another appointment with the Dr. just to see what we could do next.  The nurse told me it would be at least a 6 month wait!  What?!  At this point, I felt that we had fallen through the cracks with our "unexplained infertility." All he did anyway anytime we saw him (BTW, he NEVER examined me himself and there was always a student in the room during our "consultations".) was spout off stats about my age, and how IVF has such a high success rate...yadda, yadda, yadda. One time, I almost asked him if he could help us pay for the IVF.  Which I also resent.  Look up at how much that one costs.
So when the nurse asked me if I would mind seeing the brand new Dr. in the group, I said, "sure, what have we got to lose?"

We met with the new guy, we liked him, but the first time he started in on the stats about my age, I totally lost it right there in his office.  Uncontrollable, unstoppable sobbing. He just stopped, looked at me like he was going to cry too and handed me a tissue. He didn't say anything else about the stupid stats.
We decided to do another IUI. The new guy even examined me.

This second IUI was July 2012. It failed.
I was done.
Done with the Dr.
Done with the stats.
Done paying so much money that we were behind on bills.
D O N E.
Our emotions and hearts were just demolished.  I couldn't be near anyone who was pregnant, had a newborn, or even looked like they might be a new mom.  I was depressed, confused, hurt. I was a zombie.

Somehow, I came back from my zombie state. Well, mostly. And here we are today.

We are still TTC. That's one of those secret language thingys. It means "trying to conceive". Nifty huh?
To date, I have never been pregnant.  Sometimes I actually feel jealous of women who have been diagnosed with something.  At least they have some sort of course of treatment they can work toward.

Everytime I go to Walgreens, I check to see if the "good" ovulation tests are on sale.
I hit the jackpot about 2 months ago when I found the brand I wanted for 50% off.  It was still about $30.
So I completely resent having to pay that much. I have to go through so much other crap, can't the dang ovulation tests at least be a little cheaper?

Unless someone comes and promises me a miracle, I really don't think I want to go back to the Dr.  There is not really anything wrong with us according to them anyway.

So we have decided that when God says it's time...then it's time.
I wish it was so cut and dry.
I wish I could put all those emotions, hopes and daydreams about dressing up a little girl, or watching Stewart teach our son how to play the guitar in a pretty little box up on the shelf, then take it back down when it was time.
But I can't.  So we're trying to sail through the calm and navigate the rough waters as we go.
We're doing our best to trust our Father.
At least that's free.

Bravery and Birthday

Good grief Charlie Brown!  I have COMPLETELY abandoned my little blog.

Partly, because writing about my daily struggles got me to a much better place emotionally and it felt like writing again would just take me back to a not so good place.
Partly, because summer finally came and I have been a total lazy bum.
I'm not kidding.
I haven't done much of anything except lunch with friends, catch up on my DVR, scrapbook, play on facebook, pinterest and play Candy Crush!

But, I got inspired because a friend recently started a blog and posted her first entry.  She made me realize that when people can read about your struggles, they can pray.  And I believe that prayer changes things.

sooooo...I'm going to be brave and make mine public.  This is difficult for me.  I mean, does anyone really want to hear about my problems? Will anyone understand? Yes. I'm in my head about all of it so here goes anyway....

Also, this past week has been one of those crazy roller coaster of emotions week.

Sunday, Stewart and I went to his brother's church in Horn Lake where he is their awesome worship leader.  Stewart's mom and dad also came and we all went over to their house for lunch and visiting afterwards.
But before the visit, I had to make it through church.  Jason and his sweet wife Carrie had THE CUTEST, sweetest  baby 3 months ago. Jack.  Until Sunday, we had not gone to see him yet.  Partly because we live about an hour away, but mostly because I knew I would have a difficult time.
I don't want to have a difficult time.
I want to take myself out of the situation and be able to celebrate in their happiness. But I knew good and well, it would be hard.

I cried through the entire church service and was so embarrassed I could have died.
I didn't want to cry.
I didn't want anyone to see me cry because 1-they would ask me if I was ok and that would make me cry more and 2-I didn't want Carrie and Jason to feel bad in any way.
Every time I felt like I was drying up and getting it under control..here came the water works again.  Stewart kept whispering in my ear making little jokes which helped greatly. (in case you didn't know, he is the absolute best)

So, I made it through church and couldn't get out of there fast enough.
We got to his parent's house and I ran to the bathroom and somehow got myself under control.  Though my eyes were red and puffy, I was just glad I stopped the tears.  We ended up having a wonderful time eating, visiting and being silly.
Jack is so sweet and was so good during church. He didn't make a sound.
Carrie and Jason are such wonderful parents already and it was good for my soul to see them both in action.
At the same time, my soul was being strangled.  This infertility struggle is so strange. I feel happy and sad all at once.  I feel frustrated, confused, angry, jealous. You name it, I have felt it. And it's usually all at once...I mean, with such an overload all you can do IS cry I suppose.

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if we will ever have a baby of our own. But I do know that I have a wonderful family, awesome husband and that God is Good.

ALL the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm mad at Him a lot.  But He's already seen me through many other super tough times in my life to not continue to trust Him.
We may end up with a child of our own. We may not end up with a child of our own. But God is still God and what He has planned for us is for us and He is already in our future and it's all ok.

Monday I was in a terrible, dark place.  I got out of bed, stayed in my pj's and rooted myself to the couch.  I slept most of the day.  Stewart tried to get me to go outside and get some sunshine, but I couldn't move. Didn't want to.  I only cried quietly a few times. Mostly it was just staring and sitting very still.  I'm glad Monday is over.

Tuesday, Stewart announced he needed to work on some landscapes for his art portfolio (he's going to MCA in the fall) and that we, the dogs and his art supplies were going to the park.
A few years ago, we discovered this little park with a lake and wooded bike/hiking trails not too far from our house. I love going there.
This day, I really didn't want to make the effort, but it was for his art portfolio.

We arrived about 3 and didn't leave til 6.  We sat at a picnic table under a huge tree right next to the lake.  I walked the dogs around the lake, then sat down, let them explore and read my book.  There was a constant breeze and it kept us cool.  Stewart got 2 great landscape pictures and even did one of me reading my book.  The whole thing was like honey to my soul.

Wednesday was my birthday!  We went to see World War Z. (Brad Pitt and zombies...awesome!), ate at On the Border (YUM!) and got some cupcakes at GiGi's (double YUM!!)  Stewart made me this COOL, sweet card.  Have I mentioned he's the absolute best?  I love him.

Sweet!  This is the front.  Not only can he draw, he has a way with words.
Which are on the inside. And also private. ;)

Texas Milk Chocolate,Wedding Cake,
and Southern Comfort.
Also known as Birthday Coma.

I thought the chips looked like a great, big smile.
 They were also salty and delicious.

Thursday, I had lunch with my close friend, Carla.  She has been through infertility and all I have to do is say "I'm sad" and I know she understands because she's been through it. And more.
She and her husband went through 2 miscarriages, incomplete IVF and were even in the process of finding a surrogate when they unexpectedly got pregnant. Their Dr. even told them he was pretty sure they would never get pregnant on their own.  So take THAT medical science!
I can talk to her freely. I can cry, curse, complain. I can say all the things I would never say to anyone else, except Stewart.
She just smiles, nods, and encourages me.  She always helps me find that part of myself that still believes and helps to restore my faith.
Charlie, her 2 year old also joined us for lunch and called me Kewwie. Melt my heart.

Today is Friday and I was supposed to go shopping with my mom.  But between the crazy storms this morning and her outbreak of poison sumac on her face, we postponed.  (feet better mom. and DON'T SCRATCH!)
Stewart asked if I could do some poses for him today so he could get torso, arms, legs, hands, fingers, etc correct.  Don't get worked up...it's all totally G rated. :)

I've been thinking about the start of this week.  I've come a long way with my emotions baby. And I'm glad.