Love and Marriage

It's our anniversary!!!  5 years. It seems like we've known each other for much longer though. In a good way.  It was that way when we just first met...it just seemed like home.  Ok, well, maybe not on the first date, but you get the picture.

The day was actually Friday, September the 20th  but we celebrated Saturday.

I was so worn out from a long week of teaching then meetings all day Friday for in-service and Stewart had a long week of classes and assignments.
So last night, we grabbed something and brought it home and ate while lounging and cuddling on the couch.  It was quite nice.

We debated over where to go eat.
There are several great choices in Downtown Memphis, but alas, we are homebodies and decided to go to Bonefish Grill at the Avenue Carriage Crossing in Collierville. (HOLY CRAP!!! everything I just typed just ERASED!!!  As I was freaking out, Stewart yelled out "hit Control Z!" and it worked. I got it all back...whew...see we were just meant for each other. now back to the blog)

Saturday was one of our 1st cool fall days so we thought it would be nice to walk around after we finished eating since it's an outdoor mall.

So, we spent a lot of Saturday just doing our own little projects.  Stewart went upstairs in his studio (just one of our extra bedrooms we converted to his art studio) to work on a school assignment and I spread out all my school stuff on the big table downstairs to work on some classroom posters and watched Hunger Games at the same time. (I CAN'T WAIT to see Catching Fire! I'm about to read all 3 of them over before I do) I eventually did my daily treadmill thing, then got ready and off we went.

I think Bonefish Grill is becoming our anniversary spot.
Everything from the atmosphere, to the service, to the food is just SO dang good!
We ordered chips with fresh chivche for our appetizer and they brought bread.
For our main dishes, I ordered the Maryland Crab Cakes with fresh veggies and pumpkin ravoili.
Oh. My. Goodness. Every bit of it was marvelous.

Stewart ordered Rainbow Trout and chose the Pan Asian sauce.  He gave me a few bites and it was fantastic.  The next time we go, I'm ordering something off the fresh catch of the day just so I can get the Pan Asian sauce.

I asked our waitress to take our picture and told her it was our Anniversary...she brought us a complimentary brownie!  It was covered in raspberry sauce and was topped with whipped cream. It was so yummy and RICH!

After dinner, we walked around the mall.  The weather was just perfect.  We spent a good bit of time in Barnes and Noble, then went back out and just meandered around before settling on one of the park benches and just sat and talked.  It was wonderful.  That is the best non-mall mall.  It feels like you're in a small town and everybody is out for the evening.  They have music playing from speakers that look like rocks.  There's even a town like square that you have to drive around just like in a small town.  It did not feel like we were still in Memphis at all.

True to Kellie and Stewart form, once we got home, we promptly changed into our pj's, poured ourselves a glass of wine and settled in front of the PlayStation and killed zombies together.
It was a perfect Anniversary night!  :D

Life (Stress) of a Teacher and my Constant

It's that time of year again...where I meet myself coming and going, have several pens stuck in my hair and behind my ears, am a paper grading, lesson planning, paperwork completing, behavior managing, sight word teaching frenzied machine.

I feel just like this.....

....and this. All at the same time.

Plus, our school changed hours. Instead of 8:15-3:15, we are now 9:00-4:00.  I am trying, but I very much dislike this new time thank you very much.  In my opinion, that is way too late to be getting out of school.  We live about 30 minutes from my school, but with any kind of traffic, it usually takes me about 45 min to an hour. One way!  When fall and winter hit, it will be dark by the time I am halfway home.  yuck!

I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older, or the teaching profession is just getting way out of hand with its demands, but I am already frustrated, stressed, and feel overwhelmed. It's WAY too early in the year to feel that way but I do.
I think I may need some meds.
Or wine.
Yeah, wine sounds good.

With all my demands as a teacher, all my emotion about my infertility seem to be almost nonexistent. And that's weird.
It makes me feel ambivalent.
Sometimes I wonder if I really even want it.
Then I see someone's vacation pics of their family with young children with their whole family and that familiar heart ache returns.

Or, I'll see someone announcing their pregnancy on Facebook and I get pretty sad. But at least these days it seems I'm able to bounce back a little quicker and not slip into a 4 day depression.

When I go shopping with my mom and she stops to smile at someone else's cute baby in the stroller I want to cry because I want her to experience being a grandmother.
And she would be a fantastic one.
The best one in the world.
I want to give her that and I want to have a child who would get to love on my mom in return.
But for some reason I can't. At least not right now.

Which brings me to the fact that I wish I could just know.
I wish I could just know if Stewart and I will ever conceive.
If  I could just know if it's a yes or a no, I could plan accordingly.
If it's a yes, then I could wait impatiently for that time to come. And begin planning.
If it's a no, we could grieve, then begin to heal and start working toward adoption.
It's the DANG not knowing that is so unbelievably hard to take.

In the midst of my living, teaching, being tired, frustrated, excited to see students each morning, spending time with Stewart and the dogs, sometimes I get a text, or Facebook message.
I get messages from people I know who share their story of how the struggled with or are now struggling with infertility!

I'm ALWAYS amazed because most of the time I never knew. After sharing their struggles (and many times their HAPPY endings) they tell me thank you for writing this blog.
Many of them talk about how they were embarrassed or kept quiet about their struggles because it was so difficult to experience much less try to explain to anyone else.
I am humbled. To think that just my writing about how I feel as a way to cope has helped someone else....that's just kinda crazy.

But it's a wonderful reminder that I'm not alone here.  I'm sad that I'm not alone because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  But the knowing helps. And apparently I've helped others. And for that, I'm so grateful and amazed.

Which brings me to a friend I've known for quite some time.
He is not struggling with infertility, but with hearing loss.
I'm talking total and irreversible.  He woke up one morning a few years ago and it was just gone.
His Dr. can not determine any reason.  He can no longer hear and they don't know why.  He's been keeping me up to date lately because he's at the very beginning stages of getting a cochlear implant.
He is one of the silliest, funniest people I know. (Guess that's why we're friends.)
But he shared with me that he feels like his love of socializing and being around people is almost nonexistent because of his hearing loss.  I can only imagine.

He and I have been texting lately about our different struggles.   And even though our issues are world's apart...they really aren't.  Neither of us understand why, there is not really an explanation for either of us and both of us are hurting and struggling to live our lives in a normal manner.

Yeah, those are common threads, but our Faith is our Constant. (anyone who watched the tv series Lost a few years back will understand that reference).  In the midst of hurting and wanting to know why, we are able to listen to each other and pray for each other.

Sometimes life throws a crazy curve ball at us.  Most of us have been there.  I hear stories all the time about struggles of friends and their friends.  God never promised that life would be easy, but He does promise that He'll always be there to help us through. And right now my friend and I are doing just that.

So if you know someone going through anything at all...just pray for them. Then tell them from time to time that you're praying for them.  You never know, the very day you just happen to mention it may be the very day they needed it more than ever.

Feeling Good and the Future

 Lately, I've been feeling good.

Good, as in not feeling like bursting into tears anytime I'm near a pregnant woman or newborn.
I'm actually a bit confused about being back to a more sane feeling emotional state.  But I'm not questioning it...I'm just going with it.

Maybe it's because I'm finally losing the weight I've been trying to lose for the past few years.  That makes me feel like I'm actually in control of an aspect of my life. (I just bought a pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller than the size I started from!)  Dealing with all this infertility business makes you feel like your life has spun totally out of control.

Or maybe it's because I'm watching Stewart finally get to go after his dream.  He starts art school this week and we are both pretty excited about it.  Actually having something to look forward to is really soothing both our hearts a bit I believe.

At the end of last summer, when our second IUI failed (we found out Stewart's brother and his wife were expecting. the same day.) and I decided I couldn't take any more Dr visits or meds,  I slowly but surely started feeling a little more sane.  I guess it has taken from then to now.  From time to time, I think about maybe looking into IVF or going back on fertility meds.  But it just seems that since TWO different Dr's could find nothing wrong, that surely one of these days we'll conceive on our own.

Being in that haze of going back and forth to the Dr, constantly having blood drawn, having ALL KINDS of ultrasounds, counting days, taking my temperature upon waking up every day, peeing on my ovulation test strip, injecting myself in the stomach, dealing with mood swings and PAINFUL cramps, trying to PAY for it all, just became way too much to handle.

I don't miss ANY of that stuff.

I'm still counting days and peeing on the ovulation strip, but I guess I'll always be doing that until we have a kid or we're too old to try.

So it feels good to be feeling like I can handle my emotions these days.  Don't get me wrong...I still have moments.  Lots of them.  I cried when Stewart told me it was good for him to see me enjoying baby Jack and playing with him and not shying away from that.  I'm still not to the point where I can hold a baby yet, but I bet I could if I just did it and didn't think about it.

I still have no plans to attend any baby shower.  But I think knowing my limits and what I can and can't handle and sticking with them is what allows me to manage my emotions.

But back to Stewart starting back to school.  It's something he's always wanted to do.
One of his closest friends and former roommates is a fantastic artist and used to work at the Commercial Appeal as their artist.  He also teaches different classes around town. He has encouraged Stewart to go to school for art for a long time.

Stewart drew this for his facebook page

We have been talking about trying to figure out how he could go to school for the past few years and finally, it just suddenly worked out.  Well, I know it was all God's timing.  But it's been pretty exciting to see it unfold and be right there by Stewart's side.

So I have to think that maybe this is a reason why we don't have a child yet.
I know my husband. And I know that he would (and has) put his family way ahead of himself.  If we already had a child or if I was pregnant now, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be as willing to try to think about quitting his job and starting school.  I also know it would be much tougher.

He and I have been talking about TTC.  So, here's our plan...we're planning on continuing to try.
If, at the end of art school (we're hoping in 3 years) we're not yet pregnant, we will probably seriously consider adoption.

In the meantime, I'm just happy to be in a much better emotional state about the whole situation.

I am so incredibly proud and excited for Stewart.  Getting to watch him achieve his dream and be his cheerleader is the absolute best thing.

Small Steps and Dealing With It

I offered to hold a baby Sunday.
It was actually a big deal for me. But I meant it.  It was during church and the mom wanted to get a doughnut and her baby was sleeping. And he was getting heavy.  I wanted her to get her doughnut.  She ended up not wanting to disturb the sleeping babe.  But I offered and I am pretty sure I would have been caught up in helping and cuteness. I have no idea how I would have felt later on, but in that moment I felt fine to hold a baby.

This is my daily life.

My hair is entirely too long, too thick and has too many split ends.  The reason?  My hair girl is a new mom.  I'm not sure I can sit in her chair and chit chat about babies and why haven't I had one yet.  But I'm becoming desperate.  My hair is a lion's mane and needs to be tamed.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and go.

I avoid lines at Kroger, Chick fil A, Target, Hobby Lobby, you name it if there is a baby or expecting mom.
I know I can't hide. This is life.  People get pregnant and have babies all the time.
Except for me. And that's hard to take some days.  So on those day, I hide.

Some days, I walk the other direction happy I don't have to deal with a screaming kid knowing at the same time that I would GLADLY deal.

I tell myself, "Man, Stewart and I have it good! We can sleep in, plan our own schedules, do what we want." But deep down I know it's all a lie.
Well, I love sleeping in. So that's not a lie.

I have a secret Pinterest board filled with the CUTEST nursery ideas.  Sometimes I go look at it and make plans and feel happy and hopeful. But most of the time, I just pass it by. Knowing it's there.

Most days, I'm forced to deal with it.  Like today at my school where I teach.  We have 2 VERY pregnant ladies both on my hallway.  I just walk away if possible and if not, I just try not to get involved in conversations.  Maybe this sounds selfish, but I know how much I can take. I try to take care of myself and not become depressed. It's a very slippery slope and can sneak up on me in a heartbeat.  So this is why I'm not planning on being involved in baby showers. I'm just trying to survive and keep my emotions on a steady keel.

So, please be patient with me.  If I seem mad, selfish or uncaring I'm just trying to make it through without my emotions completely taking control and demolishing me.

I don't walk around in a depressed haze. Today I was generally happy and had a pretty good day. But when anyone deals with things of this nature, it just becomes a part of you and it never truly goes away. You just figure out how to handle it better.

Part of my dealing with it is humor.
It's funny because it's true...

Stewart and I know we were meant to be together because we both have the same silly, goofy, quirky sense of humor.
The day I was crying in church over seeing Jack in person for the 1st time, he whispered to me that he would just draw us a baby.
And he would shade it real good.

Birthdays and Back to School

My birthday is in June.  Stewart and I always head over to mom's where we eat some good mom cooking, act silly and have fun.

That one candle sang the Happy Birthday song!
And that homemade cake was DE licious!

Stewart and I

Will, my little brother was born July 30 and my mom's day is August 2.

 So we always have a big time celebrating in the summer.  Mom and Will always come over to our house the weekend after their birthdays and Stewart fires up the grill, we eat, have birthday cake and ice cream, hang out and just have a fun time.  This year was no exception.

Mom and Will with their Birthday Goodies.

Will, Mom and I

Of course, kids always enter my mind.
I am always thinking how it needs to hurry up and happen so that mom can be a grandma.
My dad is already gone as well as both sets of grandparents.  Stewart's as well.
I really want any child that we may have to have a chance to know my mom and Stewart's parents.

It's pretty depressing when you think about it all.

And that's also why I get so angry when people tell me to stop thinking about it so hard and that it will happen when it happens and how I just need to not be so stressed out.

To which I ALWAYS scream inside my head, "I'm not a spring chicken here people! I really don't have that luxury!  Plus, I have to calculate for ovulation!!  So if I just don't think about how my kitchen is dirty and I don't stress about it, it will just magically become clean on its own?  If I don't stress about paying my bills, it will just happen?"

I read an article not too long ago about how dealing with infertility had the same emotional stress and impact as that of a cancer/chemotherapy patient.  (If I can ever find that article again, I'm posting in one of my blog entries)  You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to not worry and stress and it'll all go away would you?

BUT, I am still holding on to my Faith.


After all that birthday celebration with family(and the little rant above), it's time to get down to business. And that business is me being a 2nd grade teacher.

I am kicking and screaming that summer break is over.  It's a difficult time transitioning from summer brain to teacher brain.  I've been meeting myself coming and going the last couple of weeks.  Then there's the going to bed early and getting up early.  I am the definition of a night owl. So is Stewart. So when I say I stayed up late and slept in even later...I mean it.

My classroom is together(BIG thank you's to mom and Stewart!!), I've worked registration, spent an entire week of in-service, spent most of my alloted money at Knowledge Tree, planned lessons, figured out outfits, bought lunch goodies, and even bought a new lunch bag.
And now I'm about to go back for the 2nd full week with students.

This will be my 11th year of teaching and I ALWAYS get nervous the first day of school.  I can't figure it out. I feel pretty confident as my abilities as a teacher. Maybe it's just because you never really know what you'll face when you walk through those doors.  I always want to make a good impression. So say a little prayer for teachers everywhere as we start school and teach the children of our world.

I love those monkeys!

View of my classroom from my desk.
That projector thingy is a
SmartBoard and is VERY cool!

Morning Meeting Area

My classroom library

Speaking of going back to school...Stewart quit his job in June, started working on his art portfolio, received the best scholarship available based on 10 pieces, and got accepted into a great art program.

He has been unhappy at his job for some time now and it has always been his dream to do art for a living.  Specifically become an illustrator for a major comic book company like Marvel.  He is talented and committed to his dream.  I am extremely proud of him and cannot wait to see what the future holds for him.

A self portrait and one of my favs.

Box of Hope and 10 Words

So, a few weeks ago, I was having a pretty bad, emotional day.  I was also in physical pain.  Pj's were my dress code and the couch and remote were my life boat and sustenance.  It was the best I could do. I've been there before and knew I needed a day to be sad.

Stewart went to the mailbox about 8:00 that night and discovered I had received a little package.
Inside the mailing envelope was just a little box, wrapped with a bow.  This was what was inside.

Pure sweetness.
A SWEET note-card full of expressions of love, thoughtfulness,
encouragement and hope.
A Hope magnet, a keychain and a girl holding a Cross.

My sweet and thoughtful friend Christy had sent me "A box full of hope".
It made my day and was the life-raft I needed.

Knowing that she had thought of me and was praying for me did wonders.
Then realizing just how the Lord arranges little things like this to speak to me in my moments of hurting amazed me beyond belief.
These are the things that keep me going when I am having a difficult time.

This Box of Hope is something that I will have to remember and pass on. What a great way to encourage anyone going through pretty much anything.  Just grab a few goodies, add some words of encouragement, wrap it up and send it on its way. I can't wait to be able to pay this one forward!

Now, I want to share an excerpt from a blog called The Actual Pastor, that explains how all this infertility jazz feels in the best way possible.  If you know someone dealing with it, please read carefully then respond to them in like. 

It's pretty interesting from a male POV.  Stewart can completely relate.  

And FYI, #8 describes EXACTLY why I was so down when my Box of Hope arrived.  

I was 2 days late...and then I wasn't.  Then I realized (for the millionth time), that it was back to the drawing board and I had to ready myself to start the process all over again not knowing if THIS time would be THE time.

Ten words that describe infertility

March 26, 2013 

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the hilarious and exasperating journey of parenting small children. But for seven harrowing years of infertility, Mary and I would have given anything to have children, no matter how hard it was.

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.

Twins and What TO Say

Let me introduce you to my friend Melisa.

We were roommates for about 3 1/2 years.  
We got HBO in our townhouse just so we could watch every episode of Sex and the City on Sunday nights.  (I'm the Charlotte!  No, I'M the Charlotte!)
Also, that episode when Trey brings Charlotte a cardboard cutout of a baby is still hilarious and now I have an even better understanding of their fight in front of the other girls.

Charlotte & Trey were struggling with infertility and he brought
her a cardboard baby as a joke trying to cheer her up.
 It did not cheer her up.

We survived boyfriends, work schedules and being young women together. (Not to mention the tenants next door who listened to LOUD, Spanish versions of Brittany Spears all night long!)
I was a bridesmaid in her beautiful wedding on the beach and in turn, she was one of my beautiful bridesmaids. 
We have experienced great losses...my father and her brother.
She is a wonderful person and friend. 

Monday, she and her husband welcomed twin boys into the world.  
I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS and that I'm so happy for them!

They have struggled with infertility and have dealt with their own heartbreak but finally decided to go for it with IVF and were successful!  I almost feel that it's me. Their joy is my joy.
They represent success in the midst of my frustration, and hurting and that encourages me to keep trying.

When she found out she was pregnant, she let me know the news in the absolute, best way possible.  Let me just say, in my opinion, this is the BEST way to let someone who is struggling with infertility know about a pregnancy.

She sent me a private message on Facebook.  

Yes, it seems super impersonal. But she is one smart cookie and she later told me she wanted me to be able to have my own, private, true reaction. She didn't want me to worry about having to put on a "happy face" in front of her if I wasn't. She wanted me to be able to cry if I needed to then call her when I was ready.  
I told you she was a wonderful person and friend.

I pretty much immediately called her.  (after I shouted out, "Mel and Patrick are pregnant. With twins!!" and just about made Stewart jump out of his skin! haha)
I was truly happy and excited for her.  I also think it gave me hope to know that a friend's struggle was working out and therefore gave me a HUGE boost of Hope.

Late Monday, she welcomed into the world and finally met face to face with her 2 bundles of joy.
Yes. There is a small part of me that is sad for myself, but there is a larger part of me that is overjoyed for a sweet friend who deserves every happiness in the world.
Love you lots Mel!!

Melisa and I on my wedding day.

At this point, I was going to talk about what NOT to say or do to someone dealing with infertility.  I've had 2 people try to insist I look at their ultrasound pictures. (Which I declined) I've also had another person physically try to force me to feel her baby kicking her stomach! I have a lot folks around me who care about me who have unknowingly said hurtful things.  So instead of focusing on all of that and people reading this wondering, "oh no, is she talking about me?" I want to post an entry from a blog (Divine Caroline) I came across. It is sweet, and simple and so true.

What to Say to Friends Facing Infertility

By Larami Williams

So there are a million and one articles about what not to say to friends facing Infertility. These included everything from, "God has a plan" to "You can have my kids." Although these articles are generally correct in their assumptions of what infertile couples don't want to hear, I would like to propose a twist to the conventional article…

What about what they WANT to hear? Aren't there things that an infertile woman (or man) would want to hear from people?

As a woman with two children from a previous marriage and having faced infertility trouble to conceive both of my kids I know there are! As I sit now typing this article I can say I am currently facing the infertility path yet again. I remarried several years ago and in the past three years my husband and I have yet to conceive. Let me tell you…the pain of infertility does not get easier if you have other children. I have heard all the cliche things over the last three years. And being a woman who is absolutely open about my infertility more than enough people have offered their "advice" through our multiple treatments.

As I sat next to my husband last night, I got to thinking of what (if anything) would be helpful for my friends or family to say while walking with me through this dark and painful journey. Here is my list of top things to say to a friend faced with infertility no matter where they are in the journey (and it IS a journey).

1. "I cannot imagine the hurt you are feeling, but please know I am here for you." This simple statement will ease some of the pain your friend is feeling. If she is just starting her journey she will come back to your comment and will likely call on you to listen along the way.

2. "Kids are a blessing and I can totally understand why your heart desires one (or another one)." In saying this you are not dismissing her heartfelt yearning for a child, and that can be very moving when you are looking at a pathway to get to your dreams.

3. "When you have your baby I want to be the one to help with your baby shower or anything else you might need help with." The optimal word in this statement is WHEN, do not use the word IF. In her heart she needs to believe that other people believe that it is not an IF but a WHEN.

4. "You and your husband are going to have the most beautiful baby ever!" Again, she needs her friends to believe that their dreams of a baby will come true. The power of positive thinking, right?

5. "I love you." When you are a woman with female infertility problems it is devastating to your womanhood. You beat yourself up over and over about not being able to do the basic function that a woman should be able to do. Just knowing someone loves you is always a help when you are hurting.

6. "If I had the extra $10,000 you need for In-vitro Fertilization I would give it to you." The financial strain that infertility puts on most couples is tremendous and just knowing that someone would help if they could help is nice.

7. "I will pray for your miracle baby." Faith is the only thing that gets most couples through this painful journey and sharing a prayer may be just what she needs.

I could go on and on and probably list a hundred things to say and even more to not say. These are just a few of the things that my friends and family members have said that have helped me during our treatments. If a woman opens up to you about infertility it is because she trusts you. Please do not judge her for her hearts desire. This is not a path I would want anyone to have to go down, but 1 in 8 couples will. Those couples will need the support and love from their friends more than you will ever know.

Will Smith said, "If you are absent during my struggle, do not expect to be present during my success." Be present for friends who are facing infertility, the rewards will know no bounds!